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It happened very unexpectedly.  We were eating dinner.  It wasn't anything fancy, just sandwiches and a wonderful salsa hubby had made.  I complimented him on how wonderful it was and was contentedly munching away on some tortilla chips.
 
"You'll have to fix this for Mohhh...," I said.  Both of us froze.  I kept my eyes on my plate.  I had almost said You'll have to fix this for Mommy - she would really like this.  Hubby's eyes were on me, watching me carefully.  I sat for a moment dipping my chip helplessly in the wonderful salsa that had suddenly lost some of its delicious flavor.
 
In being apart from him while taking care of Mommy, I had written him many times in my journal, but rarely on paper.  Everything I wanted to say seemed to be too personal for letters.  In retrospect I know I should have written the letters, let him know just how much I missed him and loved him on a daily basis.  In order to fill them I wrote many poems to him, for him.  Even after I had returned home I was adjusting with being with him and letting him know within the poetry how much I was hurting, how much I was loving him, how much I longed for something I could not name. 
 
One poem especially came so deeply from my heart.  It was written in a moment when I was certain no one would come for me in the end to rescue me from the horror of what was happening.  Of course, no one could do such a thing, yet it was important to put forth what I was needing:
 
Hero Wanted
By Henrietta Asher Handy
Copyright (c) 2004 by Henrietta Asher Handy
 
Hero wanted:
Must have broad shoulders,
Strong hands,
And a back unafraid of burdens.
Must be willing,
Without complaint,
To have tears spilled
Upon the shoulders and chest,
And arms stout enough
To keep out the cold of life;
Must be willing to face the monster
Even if that monster is me
Applicant must also have a hero’s heart:
Unafraid to love or be afraid,
But strong enough to overcome the fear.
Applicant must possess
Heart-warming smiles for when there are no smiles left
And encouragement when life seems too much.
Those seeking a mother, sister or pal need not apply.
Those unprepared to be challenged, tested and scorched with living
Should stay a safe distance away
So that your dream world will not be threatened.
Only heroes need apply.
 
It seemed simultaneously I was learning to believe and love anew, and deal with grief at the same time.
 
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