Thursday, May 31, 2007

And Life Progresses

The more this new life progresses, the more I am slowly beginning to realize that in order to have a life in this modern age and time you have to fight for the slow-down time, the quiet time to regroup and process what has gone on in the day.

Today was one of those regrouping days for me. Hubby went to his job (*happy dance of joy*) and I was left to my own endeavors and entertainments. Since my left leg is currently not happy being a part of my body, I let myself rest and relax and remain in the bed for quite a while. Normally this phase would have been looked upon with great joy and excitement. But this is not my "normal" any more and just laying there caused me much boredom so that when I did expel myself from the bed I was...happier.

Somewhere along the way I have become quite an active person. How it happened is quite easy to follow, realizing it has happened and how it helps to make me feel active and a part of life is harder to see -- although I do enjoy it. This enjoyment of it is quite a surprise on my part.

Once up and about I began my day and found writing to be quite an exhilarating event. The words progressed and the ending of the story came a little clearer into view. Of course, the ending I glimpse now can easily change. Writing is like that -- always changing -- so that when you think you have found the ending in reality you may have only found one of many possibilities of an ending. The central thread may be there, but other things change, grow, mature, or sometimes, which is much rarer for me these days, it becomes even more simple.

n though a great amount of writing and thinking was accomplished, there was also great moments of just sitting and reading. However, I didn't get to my knitting like I had hoped. The story I am currently reading, Perfume by Patrick Suskind was just too good to put down. A book like this one makes me remember why I love good stories. It is interesting, descriptive, and the story is spooky and creepy in all of the right places. Although you can pretty much guess what is going to happen, getting there is half the fun with this one. However, it is not for the squeamish or those who have problems with psychological thrillers. Perfume is both of these and something else, something I can't put my finger on descriptively.

So, instead of picking up my knitting needles I read. And I enjoyed my day without a husband under foot and, I am sure, he enjoyed being at work instead of at home. However, once he was home, the pace of life picked up considerably because we were heading to the Kentucky Horse Park for qigong and tai chi.

Doing tai chi (I missed the qigong section, but plan on making this up next week) outside under the shade of trees with horses and birds all about helped relax my very soul. Although I am doing tai chi in my wheelchair, there is still movement and I can also feel my energy rise and move with more fluidity than it has for quite a while.

Our instructor is a small woman with a soothing voice (haven't come up with a nickname for her just yet) patiently went over the beginning moves and answered the few questions we had -- there will probably be more as the class progresses -- and somehow this encouraged me.

JustBill said to "jump in the middle" and today it felt as if I really had done so. The acceptance of yesterday continued on through today with the tai chi. It was almost spiritual in its peace for me.

Now it is late and tomorrow is a PT day since I had another appointment and couldn't do pool Wednesday. Before that, however, is another day filled with writing. Somewhere in there, though, the knitting is going to be added.

Yes, down time is very important when life becomes so fast paced, especially when you aren't used to it. I don't want to burn myself out on this new life before it has completely born fruit. Some how I believe I am not going to "burn out" this time. Why? Maybe because I am older and don't feel so possessed to make the most out of it. Or maybe, for the first time, I can honestly say I am going to make the most out of it -- my way.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

An Accepting Eye

Today was my OT/PT day at Cardinal Hill. OT Guy worked me pretty good in the upper body. There was even a nice sheen of perspiration to remind me I had a body and said body was moving. Luckily there wasn't any more pain than normal. This in and of itself is beyond wonderful - that I can work out my body and my pain level not increase so drastically I am ready to quit. OT Guy is pretty good about that, and he even warned me today to not over-do it. "You know your body better than anyone else," he said. I looked to Hubby and Hubby merely gave me a half smile of encouragement. That little half-smile means a lot to me and tells me a lot about how he is feeling and hoping good things for me.

See, Hubby pushes. He pushes hard. It isn't because he wants me to hurt more, but that he wants to see me improve and get stronger. However, being an exceptionally strong man himself he doesn't quite comprehend when I am doing my best and when I am over-doing it. I've tried to keep up with Hubby on more than one occasion, but this leads to extremely sore muscles and a lot of pain which causes me to be angry and feel horrible and bitch like...a bitch. This is one reason why I made the decision to step out and go to OT and PT because it wasn't worth my marriage and make me not like the man who truly is my best friend on a semi-continuous basis. So, when OT Guy said this relief flooded my entire being.

I don't mean just my physical being, nor my mental being, but my emotional being as well. Relief washed over and through me in a way I have not experienced for quite a while. A lot of pressure was taken from me while at the same time my own desire to increase the movement and do more grew. This time it grew within limits, and I knew I had the freedom to push myself and not disappoint someone rather than push myself and feel as if I was letting down the one person I love more than even I can express. (Why did I feel like this? Because I knew I could never accomplish what I thought was being asked of me.) It was a liberating moment. It was a liberating moment with a lot of meaning and possibility for the future laid out before me. It was also quite sobering. Why? Because today was a step taken toward regaining my independence on all its levels.

Yes, I know I have been going to OT/PT for a while now, but today everything clicked into place somewhere inside my head and heart. I was free to improve without setting too many limits on myself and I was also free to say, "I'm sorry, but I can't do that today." It was an odd feeling finally accepting inside myself that some days aren't going to be good days and some are going to be great ones. Usually the ups and downs of arthritic life plays havoc with my emotions and self-esteem. Today was yet another step toward moving forward in accepting my possibilities rather than just acknowledging my limitations.

So, while pondering these things deep inside and still working out, I took a serious look around me in the OT gym. There weren't many people there today working out, but it was still quite early in the morning. OT Guy and Hubby were some of the only people there who didn't have a physical problem readily visible.

Out in the hall heading toward PT it was quite easy to see all of the people who had "problems." There were people in wheelchairs, people on crutches, people on canes, people with walkers, and people attached to oxygen tanks. There were several who walked with a prosthetic leg. As they headed toward their destinations I slowed and took a closer look at them and the people who were there to help them improve and advance in their health and in their lives.

Everyone was smiling. Can you imagine that? Everyone was smiling? The people with problems, disabilities were smiling and relieved even though they were heading toward certain pains and yet they smiled. It wasn't only polite smiles we are all taught to give, but genuine smiles. Then I watched the therapists closely. They smiled, too. They listened, they chatted, and they encouraged as well as held back some who were, like me, used to pushing themselves too far and hurting themselves in the process. The therapists smiled genuine smiles, not only because it was their job to smile, but because they really and truly were hoping good things for those they worked with.

Even my very own OT Guy was smiling while helping me work out my schedule. PT Lady was smiling and encouraging and helping me to remember movements and pauses I had forgotten. Neither of them were disappointed in me despite them reminding me. At the same time they were reminding me of how much I had progressed in the time I had been there.

No matter the ability or inability to move or do something stopped anyone from patient to therapist. No one was looked on as odd or "different" and my heart beat just a little faster. My throat felt tight and I was afraid I was going to cry. It has been a long time since I have felt accepted. Suddenly who I am, with all of my physical problems -- I was normal. Really normal. It was humbling. And exciting.

There was a time when occupational therapy and physical therapy was really just something you did so you could move more like "normal" people or do things as closely as possible to what "normal" people did. A lot of pressure was placed on the person to change who they were so "normal" people would accept them more. So you could "fit in" more easily. When did it all change?

I'm not complaining. At. All. I am just stunned. Humbled. Encouraged. Hopeful. Having a place where you are accepted, no matter how different you are makes a huge difference in how you perceive the world's population, and the world itself. I was lucky. My family loved me, still does, and accepts me even though, on some occasions, I have not deserved their love and acceptance. I have even been blessed with a wonderful man who likewise loves, likes, and accepts me just as I am. And my friends, I couldn't have dreamed of better friends to have around me! But having an entire place, a physical place, where wheelchairs and all of the other movement aids are nothing but the norm let's a person like me breathe deeply and relax for a moment before heading back out into the world again with all of its lack of curb cuts and elevators that fit and their buttons easily used; or doors too heavy to open.

Sometimes you can't imagine how some of the more simple tasks are so difficult to accomplish or how little it would take to make them usable by everyone!

Today more than anything else, I permitted myself to be accepted and accepted everyone else around me.

Yes, I know I am going to have to go through more pain and more fears and this isn't the ending of anything -- merely the beginning. The thing that truly changed today was the pressures of being different eased and life looked as if it had become more manageable, or at the very least more accepting to my eyes. Today was a Good day.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

We have pink!

Finding the right planner for this next life I am preparing to live has been something of a problem. It isn't imperative the planner fit the person, i.e. me, but it does help if something about the planner speaks of something about said person -- me. I had practically given up hope of finding anything and was about to settle on a very generic creation when I happened to find the planner above. It was an impulse buy from a couple of years ago and when I opened it I discovered it was refillable!

So, now there is a planner for this new phase of life. It has refills. It isn't fully me, but neither is it completely against who I am either. And, it is definitely pink. I It isn't going to be easy to lose this sucker!

It is difficult to believe June is so close and the 21st is going to be even closer once the month actually starts. It feels strange this return to school as well as realizing I am having to schedule things and keep them organized as to not over-book my life. Keeping time in the day for myself and Hubby is not difficult, it just takes a lot of conscientious effort. Plus the writing. We can't forget the writing! (Which I am going to do more of today.)

Already the this week in the planner, as well as next week, is marked with a copious amount of notes.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Stone's Throw

Saturdays are usually my day for sleeping in and doing as little as possible. Usually I feel this is almost a right I possess with everything else that goes on throughout the week. Today, however, I gave Saturday over to friends and my darling Hubby who always attends tai chi out at Yuko-en which is a Japanese garden not too far from here in Georgetown, KY.

Despite being in a wheelchair, there were a surprising amount of movements I could do with my upper body. One of the most interesting and exciting things about the tai chi group was that when the instructor and the older students came around to correct everyone's posture or movements, I was included quite easily in the group and no one hesitated in correcting my movements with a gentle touch here or a soft correction there. Most places I have gone (other than physical therapy or occupational therapy of course) the people are almost loathe to touch me either because they don't want to hurt me or because they are afraid (sometimes subconsciously) they are going to "catch" my disease -- rheumatoid arthritis. Having physical contact, physical correction, especially as gentle and as encouraging as it was given, made me feel a part of everything, and actually solidified the decision to make sure and keep going back each Saturday.

Just-Bill, the instructor, encouraged me "To jump right into the middle of things." He said this at breakfast where the tai chi group had collected for food. (It is remarkable how this sort of activity can make you quite ravenous.) So, as part of this "jumping into the middle of things" attitude, I am planning on going to the qigong class which is going to be held out at The Kentucky Horse Park here in Lexington. This is going to be on Thursdays. Little by little each day of every week is beginning to have something planned. And the things are those things which give me joy and pleasure, as well as make me feel as if I am living life and no longer sitting on the curb watching Life itself go by.

It is amazing to me how all of this started really -- with a piece of string.

Through my knitting and feeling at peace with myself I have found Life isn't passing me by nor am I watching as it goes by -- sometimes rapidly, sometimes slowly -- but I am there, enjoying the moment and being creative and pro-active. Knitting has helped me take back control of my life, or, probably, helped me see I could take back control of my life, my world.

Since I have become such a knitter I am always on the look-out for yarn stores or places affiliated with knitting. (We all know how much I love Michael's!) Well, it just so happens there is a yarn store in Georgetown and it is open every Saturday! It is called Stone's Throw Artisans and is owned and operated by Beth Stone. In roaming through Georgetown once breakfast was over, we (Hubby, Cheyenne, and I) found it and I was in absolute heaven!

Yarns of various textures and colors greeted the eye as soon as the door was open. One entire wall was given over to needles and tools and the selection of sock yarns was genuinely amazing to my yarn-starved eyes!

Spindles and roving also occupied a nice section and knitting books were sectioned off nicely for you to peruse and choose at your leisure.

Stone's Throw is one of those places where you can relax and just let the world go on by. Not like a cave to hide in, but more like one of those nice oasis's where you can just rest for a moment, collect supplies and prepare for the continuation of your journey from Here to There.

My hands itched to knit, to touch the yarns and feel the roving and dream up projects for this yarn and that color. It was one of those places where even Hubby didn't rush. He just relaxed and let me roam and enjoyed the moment of cool peace himself.

Much to my surprise, when I hesitantly asked if there was layaway possible, I was greeted with positive information. So now there are needles and yarn waiting for me at Stone's Throw and since I am going to be there every Saturday, then retrieving the yarn isn't going to be a problem at all!

Knitting has led to occupational therapy and physical therapy which has led to the energy and hope of tai chi and tai chi has led back to knitting. I can't say things have come "full circle" because I am still moving out, still developing and living my life, but I do believe small circles, positive and negative ones, do exist along the path and this, my friends, is one of the more positive circles.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

William Drummond of Hawthornden

I know that all beneath the moon decays

I know that all beneath the moon decays,
And what by mortals in this world is brought,
In Time's great periods shall return to nought;
That fairest states have fatal nights and days;
I know how all the Muse's heavenly lays,
With toil of spright which are so dearly bought,
As idle sounds, of few or none are sought,
And that nought lighter is than airy praise;
I know frail beauty like the purple flower,
To which one morn both birth and death affords;
That love a jarring is of mind's accords,
Where sense and will invassal reason's power:
Know what I list, this all can not me move,
But that, O me! I must write and love.
William Drummond of Hawthornden (1585-1649) was a Scottish poem and historian. The tragic death of his fiancee on the eve of their wedding inspired many of his sonnets.
From Great Sonnets Edited by Paul Negri, Dover Publications, Inc., New York.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Camera Desires

Today a friend of mine and I went to the mall and did one of the first mall roamings I have done in quite a while with a girlfriend. It was one of those excellent moments of total and complete relaxation I've had in quite a while.

In roaming through the mall we, of course, went into one of the music/video places (forgot the name of the store) but while there I discovered something I truly want - a mini-camera on a key chain. The one in this link isn't exactly like the one I saw in the store, but it is close. You want to know the super sad part about the entire thing? It was on sale for $9.99 and I didn't have the extra funds to purchase said camera.

Yes, I know the camera probably isn't that great and really wouldn't do everything I need it to do and the photos may end up being absolutely yucky, but at the same time it would have been SO neat to have. My darling Hubby's camera is so big I almost dread taking it with me to capture those odd photos I enjoy taking and documenting my odd little trips into the back yard or when I am out-and-about like today. The little key chain camera just seemed right for my purposes, and quite expendable in many ways so using it to its fullest would not have bothered me if, in three months, it decided to give up its little camera ghost and rest in peace. *sigh* Still, since I know such things exist I will place this on my list of "things to get when I have money" list and just keep going. In some ways, having such a camera is dangerous for my family and friends. My subject matter is usually quite odd compared to everyone else I know.

*The above camera comes from

Monday, May 21, 2007


Isn't this amazing? My darling Hubby made this lightsaber! I couldn't believe watching this piece come together.

It is chrome/silver and sparkly in just the right places. It looks simple and yet very important and some how powerful.

Yes, my husband is a Star Wars . . . fan. He is not a fanatic, but he dearly loves Star Wars and all of the characters.

I hope he keeps making his lightsabers because I am more than willing to help him work on a costume. I'm not sure where he would wear it other than for Halloween, but it would be fantastic to see him bring out his alter ego and be the Jedi he is.

It really is too bad that there isn't a cool saying exits in the Star Wars universe. Yes, you do have "May the Force be with you." But, for me, it isn't as cool and poignant as "Live long and prosper."

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Alien Taste by Wen Spencer

Finished another book recently, actually Thursday or Friday. I simply have not had time to just sit and relax and tell you about it until now. Since Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest as well as preparation there isn't any better time than the present.

The book recently finished was Alien Taste by Wen Spencer. Although I am half convinced I have read another Wen Spencer novel, this one really made me sit up and take notice. I found myself wanting to read this book and scheduled time in my day to get a few pages in if nothing else. Since I am becoming one of those "busy women" most of us are, scheduling my reading has helped me relax through the day when there were moments to do so (along with my knitting of course, can't forget the knitting!)

Alien Taste is about Ukiah Oregon. No, not the place, the man. He is a tracker who helps his partner in a private detective agency find lost people. He is good at it because not only can he pick up a trail where most people don't even see one, he can mysteriously know parts of their DNA, something only his partner knows. How does he do it? Because he isn't fully human. How he is not fully human is one of the big parts of this story and it has nothing to do with the normal areas of science fiction you would expect.

It appears Ukiah is the result of a cross-breeding of human and alien. His alien father was fighting a horrible war with his race because he did not believe in their way of "colonizing" worlds. They took over everything from DNA up. When the surface of the planet was completely populated with their kind they moved on to another planet and so on. But Prime, Ukiah's father, believed this was wrong and died try to stop it over three hundred years ago. Yeah, Ukiah is old, but to his own memory he is probably about 21 or 23 because when he was found in Ukiah, Oregon he was about 12 years old and caught in a bear trap eating the intestines of a rabbit because he had been raised by wolves.

Thus enters one of his moms into the story. He has two mothers, Mom Jo and Mom Laura. This is one of the better descriptions of an alternate family story line that I have seen or read for a while. It is caring and not the main story. It is just part of how Ukiah finished growing up.

Of course there is a love interest in the story -- Indigo. Although she isn't the main focus of the story, she is an integral one as an intrepid FBI agent who falls for Ukiah and whom Ukiah loves with a passion that made me keep reading, not only for its sincerity, but because of its beauty.

As you would guess, there are good guys and bad guys. The good guys are the Pack and the bad guys are the Ontongard. To get all of the twists and turns of how they work and don't work you just simply have to read the story.

Through it all Ukiah is trying to figure out who he is, and when he does, he has to learn how to tell the woman he loves as well as his two moms, as well as his partner that, well, is really like a father to him. Their reactions to who he is is also another major part to read this book.

All in all, Alien Taste was one of the more uplifting books I have read in a while complete with twists and turns you can't really expect, guess, or figure out ahead of time. No, it isn't an impossible read in this area, but it does flow perfectly from point A to point B without falling over itself. If you need a good, uplifting and encouraging story as well as one heck of an adventure, I highly recommend it.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Can you believe it?

Today I took a test to see if I placed for any scholarships with Sullivan in my given program. Now begins the waiting game that I won't have the results for the next couple of months! *sigh* Run a few steps forward. Stop. Repeat. This gets old after a while.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Jerry Falwell....gone?

I couldn't believe it when I read just a few minutes ago Jerry Falwell dead at 73." I mean, this guy seems to have been around as long as I can remember. He coined "moral majority" and really pushed for President Ronnie. I never agreed with the man on a consistent basis, or ever if I remember correctly, but his passing has shocked me.

And, you wanna know something exceptionally strange? I was shocked to discover he was just 73! I mean, the man has seemed "old" as long as I can remember remembering him! It isn't just me either. My friend Jeffner agrees. She said, "He has been 'old' forever." Isn't it strange how some people strike you that way?

May he rest in peace.

An' *YOU* thought turtles didn't hold grudges!

Click Here for more great videos and pictures!

Monday, May 14, 2007

*yawn* promises promises

Quite tired. There is a nice post forthcoming complete with pictures. Had wonderful weekend. Will explain more later. Right now I am quite tired and off to bed.

Night/morning all.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Does this surprise anyone?

You Are Ani Difranco!

Honest, real, and well liked.
You're not limited by any boundaries.
"And you can call me crazy
But I think you're as lazy as white paint on the wall"

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Today I Give You Linkage!

Today has been a day of ups and downs and headaches and numbers. Stupid, stupid numbers!

Yes boys and girls, I am filling out FAFSA forms for financial aid to go to school. Tomorrow I get my classes and then I wait until the 19th when I try and score some scholarship(s). Scoring the scholarship(s) requires taking a test. I have firmly decided to stay away from much that has to do overly much with numbers.

Because today has been such a day I give you linage:

Need help with fleas? Check this out. There is also another good article here, and for cats you can check this out.

And for something funny, you can't deny this guy's obsession with socks is a bit too much! Exactly how do you drop a sock with hints of malice? This I would like to know because not even my overly active imagination can come up with something! "Don't move or I'm going to drop this sock!"

And finally for something on relationships, you can check this out. It actually was good advice I am going to try and take.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

I forgot to take the camera today, but....

Today was one of those days when things just seem to work out.

Yes, I am talking about my decision to do the "higher education" thing and go for the paralegal studies at Sullivan University here in Lexington. It feels odd I am actually in the process of going to a business college. It would be nice to have a four year degree, but, quite honestly, I don't feel the need for it: If I can get the required and desired B.S. in paralegal studies in the short span of 36 months and actually do quite well with it, then why should I shell out so much money for a four year degree? I am not the young chicken, nor am I old by any sense of the word. At the same time I am far more "seasoned" than I would like to admit.

However, I am beginning to think, nay believe, this seasoning is actually going to work to my benefit. I am actually going to be more capable of shuffling through more of the crap than some of the younger students, those fresh out of high school for example, and can settle into studying and learning than what I could do before. I've already been around a similar block so this one isn't as terrifying as I remember going to EKU was. Back then I was filled with excitement and nervous energy. Now...?

Even though this isn't EKU or UK, I do find a familiar excitement in my breast at returning to a school. Learning has been one of the utmost joys in my life, and it hasn't changed apparently. Today, after doing about 1/3 of the paperwork needed for me to actually get myself registered and prepared to take classes, I sat in the shade of a tree while waiting for my ride (the Wheels van) with my earphones in and listening to some radio while beginning reading a novel. The sky was filled with perfect blue and birds were singing all around me.

The parking lot was full of cars and people were moving here and there occasionally as they came to classes or they were leaving for the day. There were people of every age in these classes. I am definitely not one of the oldsters taking classes, just, perhaps, a little older than some because there were several faces, male and female, who were indeed older than me just signing up for classes and some who were leaving classes.

People walked around in chef's attire and others in business dress, and still others were in jeans and shorts (tasteful in length). Everyone had either a book bag, backpack or something transporting learning from the building to the car or back again. People were smiling and talking about making it home to see the kids home from school or the spouse home from work. There were also a few who couldn't wait to get home to see what mom or dad had cooked for supper or a snack could be found in said refrigerator. It was far more a mix of ages and people than at EKU.

Maybe it was because of the mix in ages, but people, the students and faculty, seemed far less stressed than at EKU and UK during classes. There were quite a few smiles on faces and hellos were called more often than I remember them being given in my college days. Everyone seemed to know a lot more about life and whether or not they received perfect grades wasn't as important as making sure they had done their best. It was both refreshing and quite familiar which made me smile just sitting there and helped to boost the excitement that kept bubbling up inside my chest.

Sitting there today wasn't anything like I expected it to be. Instead of feeling as if I was on the sidelines waiting to join the flow of traffic, it felt as if I was already in the very middle of it and the stream was flowing at a comfortable pace, not too fast, not too slow. It was all moving and I was there as a part of it, not waiting to join.

Yes, there is more paperwork to do. It is an institution of higher education and learning. There is still bureaucratic hoops you must jump through to make sure all of the bases are covered and you are given the thumbs up to proceed, but it was familiar and new at the same time. It was life beginning again instead of being dormant and waiting. It was good. It is good, and I am a part of it.

Monday, May 07, 2007

On a roll...with laughter!

Survived the weekend. Didn't do that much really, but sure was a busy little bee nonetheless.

This is how things have been of late, especially since the weather has warmed. Every day usually brings a trip of some sort and, as I said earlier about the planner erupting, and now papers are having to be filled out. So far nothing has to be filled out in triplicate, but I'm not saying it won't happen. The very second I say that it is going to happen. See, I am getting just a little smarter in the current process of my life! Ha ha! Tomorrow is going to be the big day of filling out papers because that is the registration day for Sullivan. I am both excited and...not.

I still believe this is a good idea -- going back to school I mean -- and getting a degree I can actually use for a good job. It just works for me in my head. Hopefully it will likewise work for me in reality. However, there are some days when I just need a laugh. A good, serious laugh. I got one last night by reading Cherie Priest's description of what happened with her husband's possible nightmare. Read it and tell me it isn't funny. I dare you. No! I DOUBLE DOG DARE YA!

Saturday, May 05, 2007

The meme didn't work so....

Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone!

Friday, May 04, 2007

My Planner Has Erupted!

I was going through my planner today to make sure I had all of the important dates down. As I was penciling in things to do, calls to make, and events to attend I could easily remember when there many blank pages before there would be something filled in. It wasn't that long ago either!

Dates, times, events - all of them are listed in as precise a handwriting or printing as I can do. Not all of them are for myself either, some are for my dear Hubby who needs to be reminded when he needs to do something or where a job interview is supposed to take place. The majority, however, are mine. Some are recurring like the physical and occupational therapy (I made it into the pool without screaming this last time!) and how I need to call the Wheels van to come and pick me up or take me to certain appointments. My life is suddenly track-able and this makes me feel...corralled.

I have always been one to enjoy the spontaneous-ness of life itself. Growing older and becoming responsible has also made me see I really need to make sure certain dates and times are taken care of because life really does matter and these things help the good things in life come about such as making it on time for job interviews, classes, and knowing when certain projects are due. Always before there was at least a modicum of uncertainty because there was a time when I didn't know what life and living was all about and felt a greater sense of adventure than I do now. Luckily, some of that sense of adventure is still present, which helps me face each day with a smile, usually (once I have fully woken up, of course).

Now the planner is filling up with things to do on days and events that reach farther into the future than they did merely two weeks ago. I am taking this as being a good thing. The only thing I could possibly add is writing projects, and then actually follow through as on when I need to have so many words done!

Life progresses.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Reminding myself about turtles in the water

Rediscovering Self

Yesterday was my evaluation with the occupational therapist at Cardinal Hill here in Lexington. It surprised me how very young he looked, and is. Speaking with him and going over what I would like to work on and hearing what he thinks we also need to add to it made me also see just how much the place had changed since I was a child. Today it hit me that, maybe, I was the one who had changed. I am not a child any longer. (This is also quite evident when seeing that most of the people who are helping me at the hospital and elsewhere are quite a lot younger than me.)

Today I feel as if I have stepped off of a very tall cliff and instead of falling am walking on one of those illusion bridges even though, should I look down, I can't truly see any solid ground beneath my feet. Still, I have taken several steps upon the bridge and I am still moving forward in as straight a line as I can possibly go to reach the other side, although, what is at the other side is still very much a mystery to me. Nothing is predictable at this stage of things. I have let go of everything that was stable in my life for the most part and am in uncharted territory. There is this place in the back of my brain that says I know the final destination I need to end up at, but right now I don't see exactly a way to get there.

If ever there was a fantasy adventure in the works, this is one. I know very little of what is before me, except for a few dangers concerning dangerous waters and needing to learn new skills to survive. Everything is new and different.

Hopefully on this new and interesting adventure I can rediscover some of those more important things about myself I have forgotten. In rediscovering them perhaps I will find that inner strength I seem to have misplaced throughout these past years. I think I know who I am, but I'd really like to fully know who I am.