Thursday, April 29, 2010

Waiting to bloom

These flowers are budding! I can't wait to see them this year!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Aunt Rose

This has been the strangest of days so far. Got up to realize the cell phones were dead because the payment had not gone through because of the McAfee problem from a while ago. Luckily it was handled in relative time and speed; i.e. it was handled relatively quickly and semi-painlessly. Then, while I was just beginning breakfast I received a call from Sister1 who had bad news: One of my favorite aunts had passed away last night.

Back in the mountains family is the center of everything. You know your lineage and you keep in touch with as many people as possible if you move away. When I was young and oh so very sick, there were just some truly special people who made life feel more normal because they treated me as a normal child even though I realized I wasn’t just like everyone else – everyone else got to go to school and play games outside, run, and didn’t have to go to the hospital all the time with high fevers and didn’t have near death experiences.

My Aunt Rose was one of those people who made life “normal” or at least treated me normally. I wasn’t the family kid who was constantly sick; I was just me. Aunt Rose married my Uncle Ova and they were in existence long before I was born so I never knew anything different than Uncle Ova and Aunt Rose together. When he passed away it felt as if things had changed forever in the fabric of my reality because he was one of those people you always expected to live forever because he had that huge love of life very few people exude any more. Aunt Rose was a very special woman to keep up with him.

Of course, they had the perfect children to keep up with them. Two girls. One athletic and one just the sweetest, dearest person you could ever meet. Both of them were my best friends while growing up, and except for Boon-Boon and his family, my only friends. They helped me understand what being a “real girl” was like. Their acceptance of me actually gave me confidence to go through life because if they accepted me, other “real” people would as well.

When you lose your Mom, a part of you forever is lost and you feel it down to the very depths and core of your soul. My heart goes out to them. I want to be there for them. I need to be there for them.

Why wouldn’t I be there for them? Because my husband is very protective of me at the moment, and the migraines can come at the drop of a hat and I’m not supposed to get over exerted or exhausted to make sure they stay as far away as possible.

I love my Aunt Rose so much.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Alive and Thinking

Sometimes it is very difficult to change gears in the middle of the race, or swap paddle strokes in the middle of the raging rapids – this is how I have been feeling since getting out of the hospital. I have been doing a lot of thinking, reassessing, and general deciding what this phase of my life was going to be like.

According to all of the tests results, there is a bone spur on a very sensitive spot of my spine. It is putting pressure on the spinal column and it is a good chance this pressure is what is causing the weird migraines.

Because of the medical problems I am not working, which has genuinely messed with how I am up throughout the days. So far I have not been up and doing very much because I have been battling migraines (one migraine lasted for six days last week and one was yesterday). The strength also has not returned to my left leg as it should, so I am working slowly on this, but probably not as die hard as I should.

With everything being in flux, the blogging, checking of e-mail, and so very much more has felt as if it has just fallen to the wayside. Or, it was, until this week when words began flowing in my head and thus onto paper. Through the writing and thinking that comes with it is usually how yours truly figures out what to do with a problem. Maybe I have finally caught up on enough rest so that my brain can now function on the problems at hand and the creativity that was backed up – nonexistent – has now released.

One thing that has helped me with this release has been qi gong. Yesterday I did some sitting meditation (working my way back up to the standing meditation), and felt as if everything was finally beginning to roll slowly back into place. Of course, the correct “place” has changed somewhat, but the places were familiar and seemed to just feel right.

There is part of me that suspects that this may be the final stage of life for me. It isn’t that I am going to die, although I could die at any moment according to the doctors’, but that this is the final stage I will live in my life and I need to make certain it is spent well and doing the things I love and need to do to fulfill my life. This is the stage of my life where I need to be happy and successful.

It sounds easy doesn’t it – live my life where I am happy, successful, and fulfilled. Do you have any idea how difficult this is? It is genuinely difficult to decide what to do with the rest of your life. Do I continue on with my job? Do I go back on disability and just make it work with the writing? Do I go back to school? Do I do anything at all? Well, of course I am going to do something; I am just deciding what needs to be done.

One thing is easy: I will give Hubby more serious time and my faith.

Following this I will also work on getting my body stronger, and will use qi gong and exercise to do this. I will get my house back into order. I will write and work on having the best life I can. And I will succeed. There are just things that need to be decided. Serious things.

Alive and Thinking

Sometimes it is very difficult to change gears in the middle of the race, or swap paddle strokes in the middle of the raging rapids – this is how I have been feeling since getting out of the hospital. I have been doing a lot of thinking, reassessing, and general deciding what this phase of my life was going to be like.

According to all of the tests results, there is a bone spur on a very sensitive spot of my spine. It is putting pressure on the spinal column and it is a good chance this pressure is what is causing the weird migraines.

Because of the medical problems I am not working, which has genuinely messed with how I am up throughout the days. So far I have not been up and doing very much because I have been battling migraines (one migraine lasted for six days last week and one was yesterday). The strength also has not returned to my left leg as it should, so I am working slowly on this, but probably not as die hard as I should.

With everything being in flux, the blogging, checking of e-mail, and so very much more has felt as if it has just fallen to the wayside. Or, it was, until this week when words began flowing in my head and thus onto paper. Through the writing and thinking that comes with it is usually how yours truly figures out what to do with a problem. Maybe I have finally caught up on enough rest so that my brain can now function on the problems at hand and the creativity that was backed up – nonexistent – has now released.

One thing that has helped me with this release has been qi gong. Yesterday I did some sitting meditation (working my way back up to the standing meditation), and felt as if everything was finally beginning to roll slowly back into place. Of course, the correct “place” has changed somewhat, but the places were familiar and seemed to just feel right.

There is part of me that suspects that this may be the final stage of life for me. It isn’t that I am going to die, although I could die at any moment according to the doctors’, but that this is the final stage I will live in my life and I need to make certain it is spent well and doing the things I love and need to do to fulfill my life. This is the stage of my life where I need to be happy and successful.

It sounds easy doesn’t it – live my life where I am happy, successful, and fulfilled. Do you have any idea how difficult this is? It is genuinely difficult to decide what to do with the rest of your life. Do I continue on with my job? Do I go back on disability and just make it work with the writing? Do I go back to school? Do I do anything at all? Well, of course I am going to do something; I am just deciding what needs to be done.

One thing is easy: I will give Hubby more serious time and my faith.

Following this I will also work on getting my body stronger, and will use qi gong and exercise to do this. I will get my house back into order. I will write and work on having the best life I can. And I will succeed. There are just things that need to be decided. Serious things.

Alive and Thinking

Sometimes it is very difficult to change gears in the middle of the race, or swap paddle strokes in the middle of the raging rapids – this is how I have been feeling since getting out of the hospital. I have been doing a lot of thinking, reassessing, and general deciding what this phase of my life was going to be like.

According to all of the tests results, there is a bone spur on a very sensitive spot of my spine. It is putting pressure on the spinal column and it is a good chance this pressure is what is causing the weird migraines.

Because of the medical problems I am not working, which has genuinely messed with how I am up throughout the days. So far I have not been up and doing very much because I have been battling migraines (one migraine lasted for six days last week and one was yesterday). The strength also has not returned to my left leg as it should, so I am working slowly on this, but probably not as die hard as I should.

With everything being in flux, the blogging, checking of e-mail, and so very much more has felt as if it has just fallen to the wayside. Or, it was, until this week when words began flowing in my head and thus onto paper. Through the writing and thinking that comes with it is usually how yours truly figures out what to do with a problem. Maybe I have finally caught up on enough rest so that my brain can now function on the problems at hand and the creativity that was backed up – nonexistent – has now released.

One thing that has helped me with this release has been qi gong. Yesterday I did some sitting meditation (working my way back up to the standing meditation), and felt as if everything was finally beginning to roll slowly back into place. Of course, the correct “place” has changed somewhat, but the places were familiar and seemed to just feel right.

There is part of me that suspects that this may be the final stage of life for me. It isn’t that I am going to die, although I could die at any moment according to the doctors’, but that this is the final stage I will live in my life and I need to make certain it is spent well and doing the things I love and need to do to fulfill my life. This is the stage of my life where I need to be happy and successful.

It sounds easy doesn’t it – live my life where I am happy, successful, and fulfilled. Do you have any idea how difficult this is? It is genuinely difficult to decide what to do with the rest of your life. Do I continue on with my job? Do I go back on disability and just make it work with the writing? Do I go back to school? Do I do anything at all? Well, of course I am going to do something; I am just deciding what needs to be done.

One thing is easy: I will give Hubby more serious time and my faith.

Following this I will also work on getting my body stronger, and will use qi gong and exercise to do this. I will get my house back into order. I will write and work on having the best life I can. And I will succeed. There are just things that need to be decided. Serious things.

Friday, April 16, 2010

A Wonderful Helper

Cheyenne working on the game with Jake's help.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Out of the Hospital

I'm out of the hospital! I got out Monday and am recuperating at home. It feels odd ot working, and in many ways quite good. I have needed a break for a long time. Yesterday I had a migraine, and today I've not felt as good as I have been. Still, I am home.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Saturday

Still in the hospital. Don't have to have surgery, though, which I am very thankful for. Walked some today. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to go home.

Friday, April 09, 2010

A Very Quick Quickie

In the hospital. More doctors coming, including a surgeon. Feeling OK-ish.