Tuesday. It is just Tuesday. *sigh* Already it feels like a full week of school for me and I haven't even begun tutoring yet. I start that this evening at five o'clock. Joy. I mean, I love the money and the extra time I have to study when someone doesn't need help. I enjoy the company of the other tutors and the discussions we sometimes get into being all sequestered in one small room as we are (there are just tables designating what area belongs to which subject). But, today, I would love just to be to recline my chair (it it could recline that is) and just rest my eyes for about an hour. Why don't schools, colleges come with nap rooms? Would that be so bad? OK you don't really have to answer that one.
I guess I am just tired with all of the studying I am having to do. I mean, let's face it, places with "accelerated learning" as part of their title or credentials don't let you take too many breaks. You learn to get in there and get it done. So, we go at it (I am not alone in this, there are hundreds of us, probably a couple of thousand at the very least) and we work hard at what we are doing. If it had not been for the things I have learned from tai chi and the book The Healer Within it is pretty fair to say, I think, I wouldn't have made it through yesterday.
I can do this. There are just two more days to my school week and I have Friday, sweet Friday, to relax and, hopefully, sleep.
Today has not been as horrible as yesterday, or as hectic as last week. There have been moments where I could actually look up at a clock and feel a sense of peace rather than anxiety, and my dear friend Sniffles was able to come and have a late lunch with me. Both of us needed it, thinks I. However, once she was gone I began working on math and got it finished for the test tomorrow, made notes for said test, and organized my notebook a little better than it was before.
Cheyenne said I hadn't hit my stride yet this quarter. Perhaps he is right. I feel off, somehow, with everything I need to do. It is as if I haven't been able to prepare for this quarter as I did last quarter. True, there was a lot of stress during my time off. The opportunity to rest was, well, not as readily available as I had hoped it was going to be. Yeah, I need to find that stride and go. I may not be an "jogger" where this educational field is concerned.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Sunday, September 30, 2007
The Perfect Autumn Sunday
Today was one of those perfect early autumn days when it is warm during the late morning and afternoon hours, and is cool in the morning and evenings. I needed a jacket on the way to Church this morning, but on the way home it felt good to remove it and enjoy the beautiful warmth of the sunshine. Tomorrow is supposed to be the same, perhaps a even a little warmer.
Hubby and I have done very little since coming home from Church. We have relaxed, together, for the first time in several weeks. We both have needed that quiet time. He has played video games and I have knitted. You can't beat days like this.
Hubby and I have done very little since coming home from Church. We have relaxed, together, for the first time in several weeks. We both have needed that quiet time. He has played video games and I have knitted. You can't beat days like this.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Sizing Up the Mountain
Just who or what is my competition you say? It is this quarter of school. And, I want to make it perfectly clear to you, Dear Readers, as well as to myself, that I do not consider school to be my enemy. Oh no! It is my competition for myself. So, I guess, I am really competing with myself because, well, I am the only one doing these courses and being directly affected by them. Makes sense in a strange sort of way, to me at least.
This first week of classes has been...hectic. Almost beyond hectic. Already I have been close to the point of tears because nothing has worked right or out for an entire day and I seriously considered just finding a quiet room and bursting into tears. I didn't though. I made it through the day without a red nose and damp eyes. I am proud of myself because I did not burst into tears, but held on and stayed strong.
Thankfully the "first week of classes" is almost over and looking ahead I can see the challenges for this quarter are three times worse than last quarter. Class work is harder, actually difficult, and the constraints upon time is, well, difficult to explain to my Hubby or anyone else who isn't currently in school. Getting everything organized, well, we'll talk more about that later.
It looks like a mountain to me, really. Probably because I am quite familiar with them (and I miss them, too). It isn't an impossible climb or hike. It is difficult, though, and will call for all of my skills and knowledge and determination to make it to the top. I will reach the top this quarter, and, with luck and a lot of hard work, there will be an even better GPA than the last quarter.
This first week of classes has been...hectic. Almost beyond hectic. Already I have been close to the point of tears because nothing has worked right or out for an entire day and I seriously considered just finding a quiet room and bursting into tears. I didn't though. I made it through the day without a red nose and damp eyes. I am proud of myself because I did not burst into tears, but held on and stayed strong.
Thankfully the "first week of classes" is almost over and looking ahead I can see the challenges for this quarter are three times worse than last quarter. Class work is harder, actually difficult, and the constraints upon time is, well, difficult to explain to my Hubby or anyone else who isn't currently in school. Getting everything organized, well, we'll talk more about that later.
It looks like a mountain to me, really. Probably because I am quite familiar with them (and I miss them, too). It isn't an impossible climb or hike. It is difficult, though, and will call for all of my skills and knowledge and determination to make it to the top. I will reach the top this quarter, and, with luck and a lot of hard work, there will be an even better GPA than the last quarter.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
In an Almost-Quiet Moment You Can Take a Breather
Yesterday was the first day of classes for this quarter. With all intents and purposes I was planning on writing about it, until I came to the absolute and complete conclusion it would be a much better thing to be as forgotten as possible.
The long and the short of it is: 1) Voc Rehab had mislabeled funds I needed for books to tuition, so there weren't any textbooks with which to go to class with; 2) the family law class is one I need to take later on, preferably in the summer when my mood and body are doing much better; 3) added criminal law class back into the mix, although it is on-line and Louisville screwed up the notation of the proper textbook to be used, so there is a slowdown of what to do and when (hopefully it won't kill me); and 4) it was just an all around busy-work day with academic bureaucracy. I don't believe I have changed floors so many times in such a short span of time than I did yesterday. It is quite possible I was in the elevator more than I was in class or anywhere else in this place!
In re-reading the above it "looks" deceivingly simple. However, I cannot explain how bad a day it was. OK - I could explain just how bad it was because I am leaving out a few details, but it is best I do, I believe, merely because it is easier to go on and not look back. It is best we don't re-visit bad things when a good day is happening. Don't you agree? Thank you.
Today has been a much better day. My first class of the day has turned out to be math. So far so good. The main thing I need to do is just keep up with the homework because my current math teacher is as different from the previous math teacher as...Pepsi and milk. I like Pepsi. Milk...not so much. One good thing, though, is that I am more confident in getting a good grade out of this class than I normally would have thanks to said previous math instructor. Another thing that is making today better is that Voc Rehab and financial planning here at Sullivan have finally come together and I was able to get myself some books to go to class with! Well, actually it is only one book as Mr. W is having to double-check to see which book he wants to use for Real Estate Law. Having textbooks takes a lot of stress off of yours truly. I like to be prepared if assignments are asked of me. Since assignments are already assigned, it is good to have the tools with which to complete them.
Met up with some last-quarter friends today just by chance. It was spectacular to see them! It always amazes me how people end up becoming familiar so that when you don't see them you miss them. Amazingly, they appear to have missed me as well! Yes, I should be quite used to this by now, but I am not, not yet at least.
The long and the short of it is: 1) Voc Rehab had mislabeled funds I needed for books to tuition, so there weren't any textbooks with which to go to class with; 2) the family law class is one I need to take later on, preferably in the summer when my mood and body are doing much better; 3) added criminal law class back into the mix, although it is on-line and Louisville screwed up the notation of the proper textbook to be used, so there is a slowdown of what to do and when (hopefully it won't kill me); and 4) it was just an all around busy-work day with academic bureaucracy. I don't believe I have changed floors so many times in such a short span of time than I did yesterday. It is quite possible I was in the elevator more than I was in class or anywhere else in this place!
In re-reading the above it "looks" deceivingly simple. However, I cannot explain how bad a day it was. OK - I could explain just how bad it was because I am leaving out a few details, but it is best I do, I believe, merely because it is easier to go on and not look back. It is best we don't re-visit bad things when a good day is happening. Don't you agree? Thank you.
Today has been a much better day. My first class of the day has turned out to be math. So far so good. The main thing I need to do is just keep up with the homework because my current math teacher is as different from the previous math teacher as...Pepsi and milk. I like Pepsi. Milk...not so much. One good thing, though, is that I am more confident in getting a good grade out of this class than I normally would have thanks to said previous math instructor. Another thing that is making today better is that Voc Rehab and financial planning here at Sullivan have finally come together and I was able to get myself some books to go to class with! Well, actually it is only one book as Mr. W is having to double-check to see which book he wants to use for Real Estate Law. Having textbooks takes a lot of stress off of yours truly. I like to be prepared if assignments are asked of me. Since assignments are already assigned, it is good to have the tools with which to complete them.
Met up with some last-quarter friends today just by chance. It was spectacular to see them! It always amazes me how people end up becoming familiar so that when you don't see them you miss them. Amazingly, they appear to have missed me as well! Yes, I should be quite used to this by now, but I am not, not yet at least.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Putting my Face to the Wind
Change. It happens. Sometimes you encourage it. Sometimes you discourage it. However, it just seems to happen. When things are at their worst, or best change come along and...well...changes it. Usually it is for the better while sometimes it is just "different" and nothing more. It is hard to tell, at the moment, what sort of change is happening with me. I am trying with all my heart, mind, and Soul to go forward with the change and see where it is taking me. Being the logical sort of creature I am, I can't just let change happen. I have to try and map it out and see where it is going so that if, by chance, it isn't a good change, I can hopefully have enough time to make a course correction and let the change keep on happening.
The second quarter for school is beginning tomorrow for me. There are changes I would like to personally make on getting things done around the house for myself as well as for Hubby. I believe they would help us, but, having a very stubborn husband quite used to having his own way, it is sometimes difficult. This leaves me with only one course of action: Changing what I do to help me, for him to see, and then for him to decide what he would like to do either to join me or to change a course of action for himself.
Husbands are like that, though: It takes a while for them to agree with their spouses because they are predisposed to disagree. I think it is something they have in their DNA itself. So, I set my face to the wind and lift my chin ever so slightly and go forward.
I have a good husband.
The second quarter for school is beginning tomorrow for me. There are changes I would like to personally make on getting things done around the house for myself as well as for Hubby. I believe they would help us, but, having a very stubborn husband quite used to having his own way, it is sometimes difficult. This leaves me with only one course of action: Changing what I do to help me, for him to see, and then for him to decide what he would like to do either to join me or to change a course of action for himself.
Husbands are like that, though: It takes a while for them to agree with their spouses because they are predisposed to disagree. I think it is something they have in their DNA itself. So, I set my face to the wind and lift my chin ever so slightly and go forward.
I have a good husband.
Friday, September 21, 2007
No, It Wasn't Planned
The hiatus of late was not "planned" nor "expected." It merely occurred. I wish I could say that there was much great and wonderful excitement had by all, but, well, there wasn't. It was a time of sleeping, grumbling over bills that needed paid sans funds, and reading. Oh, and knitting.
About the only productive thing about this hiatus was that the hat for Hubby was finally completed. He took it as soon as it was off the needles and I haven't been able to snag it for a picture yet. But I will. I will! I am quite proud of the little thing.
There is tai chi tomorrow, unless these cramps continue hideously as they currently are. I'll take a muscle relaxer and relax and see how it all goes.
I have missed you all, Dear Readers.
--The Editor
About the only productive thing about this hiatus was that the hat for Hubby was finally completed. He took it as soon as it was off the needles and I haven't been able to snag it for a picture yet. But I will. I will! I am quite proud of the little thing.
There is tai chi tomorrow, unless these cramps continue hideously as they currently are. I'll take a muscle relaxer and relax and see how it all goes.
I have missed you all, Dear Readers.
--The Editor
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Tidbits
Yes, it has been a while since I have regaled you with tales and thoughts, or just harassed you, Dear Readers. I have been a very bad Editor and I once again apologize. Life is...interesting...when you are a student. Once finals were through I believe I slept for a couple of days, and finals weren't that hard torturous (this time). I think it is just the stress of it all. It weighs on you and when you are tutoring, well, you get everyone else' stress as well and it affects you despite your best efforts to distance yourself.
There is a story I need to tell about tutoring this quarter, but I am preferring not to think about this so much at the moment....
I am almost addicted to Disapproving Rabbits! Every day I go there to get my daily dose of rabbity goodness! I adore rabbits. I really do. They are sweet, soft, and once they know you they know you and if someone else touches them they are very aware it isn't you. Part of me would love to have another rabbit, but I don't believe my canines OR feline would appreciate this very much. They happen to be just a little spoiled. Especially my beautiful golden lab, Chewie.
Chewie has really begun to fill my heart with gladness and joy. He is such a kind, tender soul. Recently Cappa, the Princess Feline of the household, killed a mouse. Chewie was heartbroken! He whimpered. He almost cried. Then he deposited the mouse into my lap for me to "make it all better" I believe, and when I couldn't he was almost beside himself. How can you not love such sweetness, such kindness?!
Have my grades. So far the GPA is 3.75! *happy dance* I didn't do as well as I wanted on the keyboarding final. I know my accuracy was dead on, and my centering was perfect. The table I was supposed to put into the letter was correct. What did I miss, then? Oh, well, I'll try not and think about it overly much. It is already done and there is room for perfection and having the 4.0. If I am not mistaken, this should set me onto the Dean's List. We shall see.
Currently I am applying for scholarships and grants for some more free money. The new wheelchair should be here sometime this month and I need some money to pay on it, plus I need to buy school books for the next quarter. It surprises me how little money I actually need to get everything done that needs to be, but, at the same time, it is quite difficult to come by. This means I have a number of essays to write of varying lengths on different topics and I have those creative projects to finish. Yes, it surprises me how busy I can end up.
-- The Editor
There is a story I need to tell about tutoring this quarter, but I am preferring not to think about this so much at the moment....
I am almost addicted to Disapproving Rabbits! Every day I go there to get my daily dose of rabbity goodness! I adore rabbits. I really do. They are sweet, soft, and once they know you they know you and if someone else touches them they are very aware it isn't you. Part of me would love to have another rabbit, but I don't believe my canines OR feline would appreciate this very much. They happen to be just a little spoiled. Especially my beautiful golden lab, Chewie.
Chewie has really begun to fill my heart with gladness and joy. He is such a kind, tender soul. Recently Cappa, the Princess Feline of the household, killed a mouse. Chewie was heartbroken! He whimpered. He almost cried. Then he deposited the mouse into my lap for me to "make it all better" I believe, and when I couldn't he was almost beside himself. How can you not love such sweetness, such kindness?!
Have my grades. So far the GPA is 3.75! *happy dance* I didn't do as well as I wanted on the keyboarding final. I know my accuracy was dead on, and my centering was perfect. The table I was supposed to put into the letter was correct. What did I miss, then? Oh, well, I'll try not and think about it overly much. It is already done and there is room for perfection and having the 4.0. If I am not mistaken, this should set me onto the Dean's List. We shall see.
Currently I am applying for scholarships and grants for some more free money. The new wheelchair should be here sometime this month and I need some money to pay on it, plus I need to buy school books for the next quarter. It surprises me how little money I actually need to get everything done that needs to be, but, at the same time, it is quite difficult to come by. This means I have a number of essays to write of varying lengths on different topics and I have those creative projects to finish. Yes, it surprises me how busy I can end up.
-- The Editor
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Slowing down in order to speed up. More commonly known as finals.
Keyboarding 105. Although it would be horrible to sit here and toot my own horn, I am quite positive I have aced my keyboarding final. There wasn't a speed and accuracy test (which is a bummer to me), nor was there APA format which made my life and testing quite easy. All we had to do was a memo and a letter with a table inside it. No problem. I was really expecting something hard. Extremely hard. There wasn't. Therefore I am quite happy.
Since having taken the keyboarding exam this leaves me with a question: How did this one fellow fail the exam? He took it via night class. It isn't that hard to begin with. He said, "I can do 40 words a minute without a problem, but I just wasted $40 on a course because there just wasn't enough time to do everything the teacher wanted on the exam!" Having taken the exam, which is the same for all classes, I am not at all certain how in the world he failed! He has not even tried in class or something. A lot of people in my class were glad to get 40-50 words a minute. Their accuracy was good and although they were slow, the finished product was pretty and neat. So, how did this guy fail the final? Did he even try?
This quarter has come to amaze me really. People that don't really have a problem physically expect more and more things to be handed to them. "Earning" something is a concept they thing will happen later. Not now. Not while they are in a school learning and practicing for the job they are eventually going to have. It isn't just one age of people either. It is an amazing demographic of young and old, and older who expect the grades and class work to be given them in the easiest possible format. They don't want to work.Also, it isn't a sociological/money issue either. Poor students are expecting hand outs just as quickly and readily as those with money. If it isn't a generational thing nor a money thing, why is it here? Have people completely lost their sense of self worth? I mean, come on, let's face it--my self worth has been beaten, battered, bruised, knifed, kicked, you name it, but slowly the belief in myself is returning. It isn't anything I've done or wanted to do. It has just slowly come because this is the type of person I am. And, I also understand that people really need self worth to feel good about themselves and sometimes this self worth is abused by others and causes great harm. However, it doesn't seem right that almost half of the student body of this place should have this attitude. Is it?
It just amazes me. I don't understand this. I sincerely, truly don't understand this aspect of what is happening here at all.
*sigh*
OK, off my soapbox now. This was just an observation that I have been making all along, but today it hit with a major whack when I heard of the people failing the final exam in keyboarding of all things! And quite a number didn't even show up!
Ok. Ok.
The last final I have today is the math final. It begins at 12:30 p.m. and this means I have nothing to do between now and then. (The keyboarding final was finished in 30 minutes so I have been free for an hour already!) Let's see what I can find to keep me amused while the mp3 player charges.
Since having taken the keyboarding exam this leaves me with a question: How did this one fellow fail the exam? He took it via night class. It isn't that hard to begin with. He said, "I can do 40 words a minute without a problem, but I just wasted $40 on a course because there just wasn't enough time to do everything the teacher wanted on the exam!" Having taken the exam, which is the same for all classes, I am not at all certain how in the world he failed! He has not even tried in class or something. A lot of people in my class were glad to get 40-50 words a minute. Their accuracy was good and although they were slow, the finished product was pretty and neat. So, how did this guy fail the final? Did he even try?
This quarter has come to amaze me really. People that don't really have a problem physically expect more and more things to be handed to them. "Earning" something is a concept they thing will happen later. Not now. Not while they are in a school learning and practicing for the job they are eventually going to have. It isn't just one age of people either. It is an amazing demographic of young and old, and older who expect the grades and class work to be given them in the easiest possible format. They don't want to work.Also, it isn't a sociological/money issue either. Poor students are expecting hand outs just as quickly and readily as those with money. If it isn't a generational thing nor a money thing, why is it here? Have people completely lost their sense of self worth? I mean, come on, let's face it--my self worth has been beaten, battered, bruised, knifed, kicked, you name it, but slowly the belief in myself is returning. It isn't anything I've done or wanted to do. It has just slowly come because this is the type of person I am. And, I also understand that people really need self worth to feel good about themselves and sometimes this self worth is abused by others and causes great harm. However, it doesn't seem right that almost half of the student body of this place should have this attitude. Is it?
It just amazes me. I don't understand this. I sincerely, truly don't understand this aspect of what is happening here at all.
*sigh*
OK, off my soapbox now. This was just an observation that I have been making all along, but today it hit with a major whack when I heard of the people failing the final exam in keyboarding of all things! And quite a number didn't even show up!
Ok. Ok.
The last final I have today is the math final. It begins at 12:30 p.m. and this means I have nothing to do between now and then. (The keyboarding final was finished in 30 minutes so I have been free for an hour already!) Let's see what I can find to keep me amused while the mp3 player charges.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
A quiet moment
Have been reloading the MP3 player for studying and finals' test taking. Ran across this and found myself just sitting. Listening. So I thought I would share.
R. Carlos Nakai - Whippoorwill (From Cahnges).wma
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Finals Are Here! Finals Are Here!
It is difficult for me to accept, believe, comprehend, etc., etc., etc., but finals are here for this quarter. Classes are over as of today and I am having to waste time between one class and another. In keyboarding I was informed that I had done all of the timed writings I needed and since I had handed in the very last packet I was free. My head just didn't know how to think nor did my heart know how to feel.
Earlier, in Introduction to Law, the instructor handed out our finals and said, "This is due Wednesday. You are free to go." Same feeling.
Between now and math is (now) an hour and a half gap and I am curious to see what we are going to do, if anything. Since it is math I am sure Ms. Math will have something for us to go over in preparation for the final.
The legal research project, the final project, is done and handed in.
After I take a make up math test tomorrow morning I am free to do as I please until Wednesday.
I have time to study. I have time to work on only two projects and let myself feel absolutely relieved about them because I am confident I can do the work and will come out with relatively good grades.
I am not panicking. I am not over worried. I am at peace. I've never been at peace before where finals are concerned.
Yesterday I had a lot of pressure to finish the legal research final project. I didn't want to have to try and work on it as well as the rest of the final projects I thought I'd be doing. It was a good project and I believe I did well on it. Hopefully I did. One project, intro to law take-home exam, and two tests and this quarter is completely finished for me.
Wow.
Oh, and yes, I have already registered for next quarter and have my list of classes already. I am actually becoming an organized student, as well as a more organized person. Oddly enough, I had always considered myself organized (and I am compared to my husband), but now there isn't any doubt.
Finals are here and I am ready. Plus I finally feel like a human being! The only thing wrong with me today is arthritis in my right shoulder. With relaxation and some chi breathing, and Advil of course, and I am feeling much better. So far have only had to take one dose of the painkiller Ultram(tm). I'm going to make it! I'm going to make it!
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Sometimes preparations need Preparation-H
Preparing for the up-coming week. I have homework lined out and almost finished. There are a good number of lunches in the fridge. There are books of the fiction variety to keep me occupied when there isn't studying involved, and I have The Healer Within to keep me moving forward on the path of just simply feeling good. And, thanks to a dear friend, I also now have the prayer book I have been wanting, needing for a while.
Everything "looks" as if it is straightening out and at the same time it all feels like a big pain. Keeping my head on straight and moving forward with the plan I have so carefully laid out for myself (it's the A part of my personality; it shows up at the strangest times), but, at the very same instant, I see all of the math problems flowing ahead of me like a numeric white water rapid and the legal research is right there with it like some gigantic boulder in the middle making a dangerous split in the frothy water.
No, I'm not overwhelmed. Not yet. At least, not now.
My other classes are looming in front of me as well, but not so much as a menacing tower of doom, but more like an annoyance, like when Indiana Jones faces the sword wielding bad guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark and Indy pulls out his gun and just shoots him. That sort of annoyance. I guess, in some ways, this is a positive thing: I am at least feeling somewhat confident again and finally rested enough to feel as if I can actually make it through the next two weeks with some form of sanity.
Yes, my first quarter of being on the Dean's List may not exactly be there, but I am looking at it quite happily because a) I am still alive (I was doubting I would be by this time around Wednesday of last week); b) there is always next quarter to be on the Dean's List and continuing; and c) there really is a lot going for me right now in my personal life, academic life, and writing life. So, I guess you could almost say life is good for me again.
Why am I not saying it completely, confidently and boldly that life is good again? I am not going to tempt fate or the Darkness by being so arrogant. What I am feeling is good. It is positive. And, quite honestly, it is a self-knowledge that doesn't need proclamation for some reason. Everything just feels in balance again and this is enough. I don't need for life to be perfect or that illusive "good" just at this second. These moments don't come often, but when they do, I firmly believe they should be cherished and enjoyed to their depths. They should be experienced with gusto and love, people!
Everything "looks" as if it is straightening out and at the same time it all feels like a big pain. Keeping my head on straight and moving forward with the plan I have so carefully laid out for myself (it's the A part of my personality; it shows up at the strangest times), but, at the very same instant, I see all of the math problems flowing ahead of me like a numeric white water rapid and the legal research is right there with it like some gigantic boulder in the middle making a dangerous split in the frothy water.
No, I'm not overwhelmed. Not yet. At least, not now.
My other classes are looming in front of me as well, but not so much as a menacing tower of doom, but more like an annoyance, like when Indiana Jones faces the sword wielding bad guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark and Indy pulls out his gun and just shoots him. That sort of annoyance. I guess, in some ways, this is a positive thing: I am at least feeling somewhat confident again and finally rested enough to feel as if I can actually make it through the next two weeks with some form of sanity.
Yes, my first quarter of being on the Dean's List may not exactly be there, but I am looking at it quite happily because a) I am still alive (I was doubting I would be by this time around Wednesday of last week); b) there is always next quarter to be on the Dean's List and continuing; and c) there really is a lot going for me right now in my personal life, academic life, and writing life. So, I guess you could almost say life is good for me again.
Why am I not saying it completely, confidently and boldly that life is good again? I am not going to tempt fate or the Darkness by being so arrogant. What I am feeling is good. It is positive. And, quite honestly, it is a self-knowledge that doesn't need proclamation for some reason. Everything just feels in balance again and this is enough. I don't need for life to be perfect or that illusive "good" just at this second. These moments don't come often, but when they do, I firmly believe they should be cherished and enjoyed to their depths. They should be experienced with gusto and love, people!
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Well, it's kinda like...*sigh*
Yeah, I'm supposed to be studying, preparing for the return to the educational world on Monday, but earlier today I had an interesting thought about music and communication as well as singing. It doesn't make sense now, but it will soon. Promise.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Missing the Group
Humans are definitely social, herd animals. No matter how much we enjoy being alone and having that ever dwindling "me space" or "me time" there are just moments when being part of a group, being part of the crowd is beyond wonderful. A more perfect example couldn't be found than last Saturday in my mind.
Hubby and I went to tai chi in Georgetown like normal. I missed the pre-final meeting because Jaybird said, "If you don't go to tai chi you're going to miss your own birthday cake!" The wife of a tai chi class member made a cake just for me. OK, I thought, missing a cake someone made for you for your birthday isn't a good thing. It just isn't nice. It goes against everything Southern in my being. So, of course I went.
The morning wasn't as hot as it usually has been so tai chi helped to warm the body and settle the mind and spirit...for me. Doing the movements. Letting them flow from one into the other gave me a peace I had been missing for the past several days. Just Bill wasn't there leading us intrepid tai chi-ers(?), but we had instruction and practice and it was good, very good.
At breakfast I ate sparingly because we were heading to my birthday luncheon/early dinner at three o'clock that very afternoon. Talk was happy and chipper and I let myself relax into the buzz and hum. I was a part of what was going on and yet able to separate myself just enough to observe it and drink it in like an over-dry sponge. However, when the time for cake came I was very much in the present and very, very close to happy tears.
When I knew there was going to be a cake for me I expected it to be a sheet cake. When it was unveiled I was flabbergasted: It was a homemade from scratch turtle cheesecake! For me. For my birthday. To share with my friends. With the group that had accepted me down to the core and was celebrating my life with me in a glorious, quiet, gentle, happy fashion.
No matter how much we need space. No matter how much we, as individuals, need time to just settle back into our own skins, being part of the group, welcomed and cared for is what we need to the core of our beings. In the Orthodox Church we say that those people who become monks or nuns and go out into solitude have received a very special gift from God. I didn't understand it at all until this past Saturday because I knew, deep down, I couldn't give up these people nor my study of tai chi or the study of things in general. Why? Because acceptance is precious and should be treasured like the wonderful gift it genuinely is. It is one of the most wonderful gifts we have received from God.
I have found acceptance in two places, in two groups, and I feel very blessed and humbled by this. One place is Church. The other is tai chi class. Some would say they are two totally unrelated groups, kinds of people. I disagree. They are just people. Human beings. We are all living and moving forward and trying to find our way to peace as much as possible here on earth as well as here after. It is a difficult struggle, but we are not struggling alone any more. We have each other and the great strides of one can be appreciated by all, as well as the smallest of steps by the beginner. We can rejoice in all of it, because we are actively walking, traveling on a journey, on an adventure of...living.
Like most people I forget the wonderment of the journey. I let life and living get in the way of Living and seeing how far I have come and actually let myself look forward to the journey that is before me. I let school and bills and other people sidetrack me into small holes here and there, but the journey still goes on and there are little sign posts, rest areas along the way where we stop for a moment and remember where we are, who we are and where we have come from, and, hopefully, where we are going (even if we aren't very sure at times). One of those days, one of those rest areas was, for me, last Saturday.
Sadly, I am probably not going to be able to go to tai chi tomorrow because I need to finish recuperating from this yuck that has tried to swallow. Still, just like the movements of tai chi, they are here with me and, perhaps I am with them. A part of the group.
Hubby and I went to tai chi in Georgetown like normal. I missed the pre-final meeting because Jaybird said, "If you don't go to tai chi you're going to miss your own birthday cake!" The wife of a tai chi class member made a cake just for me. OK, I thought, missing a cake someone made for you for your birthday isn't a good thing. It just isn't nice. It goes against everything Southern in my being. So, of course I went.
The morning wasn't as hot as it usually has been so tai chi helped to warm the body and settle the mind and spirit...for me. Doing the movements. Letting them flow from one into the other gave me a peace I had been missing for the past several days. Just Bill wasn't there leading us intrepid tai chi-ers(?), but we had instruction and practice and it was good, very good.
At breakfast I ate sparingly because we were heading to my birthday luncheon/early dinner at three o'clock that very afternoon. Talk was happy and chipper and I let myself relax into the buzz and hum. I was a part of what was going on and yet able to separate myself just enough to observe it and drink it in like an over-dry sponge. However, when the time for cake came I was very much in the present and very, very close to happy tears.
When I knew there was going to be a cake for me I expected it to be a sheet cake. When it was unveiled I was flabbergasted: It was a homemade from scratch turtle cheesecake! For me. For my birthday. To share with my friends. With the group that had accepted me down to the core and was celebrating my life with me in a glorious, quiet, gentle, happy fashion.
No matter how much we need space. No matter how much we, as individuals, need time to just settle back into our own skins, being part of the group, welcomed and cared for is what we need to the core of our beings. In the Orthodox Church we say that those people who become monks or nuns and go out into solitude have received a very special gift from God. I didn't understand it at all until this past Saturday because I knew, deep down, I couldn't give up these people nor my study of tai chi or the study of things in general. Why? Because acceptance is precious and should be treasured like the wonderful gift it genuinely is. It is one of the most wonderful gifts we have received from God.
I have found acceptance in two places, in two groups, and I feel very blessed and humbled by this. One place is Church. The other is tai chi class. Some would say they are two totally unrelated groups, kinds of people. I disagree. They are just people. Human beings. We are all living and moving forward and trying to find our way to peace as much as possible here on earth as well as here after. It is a difficult struggle, but we are not struggling alone any more. We have each other and the great strides of one can be appreciated by all, as well as the smallest of steps by the beginner. We can rejoice in all of it, because we are actively walking, traveling on a journey, on an adventure of...living.
Like most people I forget the wonderment of the journey. I let life and living get in the way of Living and seeing how far I have come and actually let myself look forward to the journey that is before me. I let school and bills and other people sidetrack me into small holes here and there, but the journey still goes on and there are little sign posts, rest areas along the way where we stop for a moment and remember where we are, who we are and where we have come from, and, hopefully, where we are going (even if we aren't very sure at times). One of those days, one of those rest areas was, for me, last Saturday.
Sadly, I am probably not going to be able to go to tai chi tomorrow because I need to finish recuperating from this yuck that has tried to swallow. Still, just like the movements of tai chi, they are here with me and, perhaps I am with them. A part of the group.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
About the "class" thing....
Didn't make it to class today. *hangs head in guilt* It appears my body has other ideas about what is needed at the moment, and since I am actually listening to my body for the first time in quite a while, I didn't go to school today. I had a fever on and off all of last night. However, there has been progress: Not only has there been warm Pepsi consumed, there has also been crackers, some cream cheese and crackers; and even some water! I am most excited about the water actually. Also, there hasn't been any episodes of mass evacuation of the intestinal system all day. Still, I have been very tired, weak, and my head hurts. I am hoping the last of this thing is going to be this nagging headache that I am doctoring with Advil and water.
I am not as concerned about classes as I was. Why? Because I want to be able to keep going to school and making good grades. I have been extremely ill for this week, so I need to take care of myself. Yeah, I just may be growing up somewhere. Shocking isn't it.
Hubby has gone to the rpg game. It is Thursday after all. I miss the game and the fellowship it brings, but I need to rest and be as close to a restroom I can use as possible...just in case.
Yeah, it is so great being me sometimes!
I am not as concerned about classes as I was. Why? Because I want to be able to keep going to school and making good grades. I have been extremely ill for this week, so I need to take care of myself. Yeah, I just may be growing up somewhere. Shocking isn't it.
Hubby has gone to the rpg game. It is Thursday after all. I miss the game and the fellowship it brings, but I need to rest and be as close to a restroom I can use as possible...just in case.
Yeah, it is so great being me sometimes!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Sickness and Music - Sometimes a Strange Combination
This has not been the best of weeks for me. Monday was a long and productive day. Tuesday I was sick as a dog due to a nice stomach virus. Today? Still sick with same stomach virus, but, thank God, it is better. Right now about the only thing that is staying put is a nice warm Pepsi.
Since Tuesday (yesterday, can it be only yesterday?!) was one of the worst physical days I have had in a number of weeks, I have been weak and just sleeping. This could possibly be because I have puked/purged/got-rid-of stomach contents in any way possible -- truly not of my choice mind you -- and have felt little worse than dead. Today, after Noon that is, I began feeling a little better. Even tried to eat some baked chicken. Not a bright idea on my part. Therefore, I have sworn off much of the food in a solid fashion and thus have sipped my warm soda and tried to take Advil for a head that feels heavy and pounding.
The Advil appears to be working because I can listen to my current music selection in peace. It is an odd collection of Cowboy Troy, Big and Rich, John Rich, and Big Kenny. Nothing overly serious and has a happy beat. Right now I am listening to "Please Man." The first line makes me smile, "Please man, don't call the police man." It's all about a party that got a little loud, and I almost like their rendition of "Shook Me All Night Long." I would have enjoyed it much more if it had been more rock than country. I should already know Big & Rich don't do things normally. It's in a super country melody and beat, not rock at all. Still, it makes me smile. However, I did remove it from my MP3 player. I need happy for school tomorrow.
Yep, I am heading out to school tomorrow. I just may not be able to make it to six o'clock like normal. Isn't school grand?
Since Tuesday (yesterday, can it be only yesterday?!) was one of the worst physical days I have had in a number of weeks, I have been weak and just sleeping. This could possibly be because I have puked/purged/got-rid-of stomach contents in any way possible -- truly not of my choice mind you -- and have felt little worse than dead. Today, after Noon that is, I began feeling a little better. Even tried to eat some baked chicken. Not a bright idea on my part. Therefore, I have sworn off much of the food in a solid fashion and thus have sipped my warm soda and tried to take Advil for a head that feels heavy and pounding.
The Advil appears to be working because I can listen to my current music selection in peace. It is an odd collection of Cowboy Troy, Big and Rich, John Rich, and Big Kenny. Nothing overly serious and has a happy beat. Right now I am listening to "Please Man." The first line makes me smile, "Please man, don't call the police man." It's all about a party that got a little loud, and I almost like their rendition of "Shook Me All Night Long." I would have enjoyed it much more if it had been more rock than country. I should already know Big & Rich don't do things normally. It's in a super country melody and beat, not rock at all. Still, it makes me smile. However, I did remove it from my MP3 player. I need happy for school tomorrow.
Yep, I am heading out to school tomorrow. I just may not be able to make it to six o'clock like normal. Isn't school grand?
Monday, August 20, 2007
Sitting Quietly Contemplating Knitting When I Should Be Working on Legal Research
Today has been quite the productive day. I have finished up my Am Jur exercise problems and almost completed all of that dangburned math! The Shephardizing sheet is before my eyes and all I have done for the past 45 minutes has been to look up knitting patterns (and even printed off a couple). Not only that, but I have read knitting blogs and thought seriously about what I was going to purchase with the gift certificate I received for my birthday to Stone's Throw--my local yarn store (LYS to the initiated).
I know I should be working on the Shepardizing problems, and probably will actually *d0* one of them before I leave today, it is just proving something difficult to keep going at the moment. My brain and energy level have practically bottomed out. Food follows yarn in my head like some strange caboose on a very brightly colored train. Yes, I am hungry and I would love to just settle in and pick up my needles and relax for a little while before having to head home to be domestic and finish up the math.
This isn't a new thing for me, though, especially of late. Around five o'clock every afternoon my brain seems to shut down for about an hour. Despite having done chi breathing exercises, some tai chi movements, and potato chip consumption (for the potassium, ahem) the gray cells prefer to shut down for about an hour. While the brain shuts down my hands and eyes want yarn. Lots of soft, brightly colored yarn that absolutely soothes the soul, my soul any way.
Currently on the needles is a hat for Hubby, which is going to require the purchase of more yarn in order to finish it, and a pair of shorts for myself. There is also the capelette I keep threatening to make for myself but never have let it completely take me over.
With the way school is going and all of the consistent movement and alertness required of me, having some down time with yarn relaxes me deep down. If all goes well tomorrow, and it isn't supposed to rain, I may actually attempt to bring some yarn and a set of needles with me for these times. It would be wonderful to be relaxed when heading home of Hubby and the animals so that I don't snip and nip when there isn't any call for it.
It is looking as if every day until finals I am going to be here at school until six or seven o'clock in the evening. It would be good to be able to just sit for a little while, knitting quietly while the rest of the school begins picking up for the evening classes (which is beginning to happen right now).
A lot of familiar faces are here, too. We've been here together since seven this morning. I see the same brain-dead look in their eyes while they force themselves further, onward to evening classes and more homework. Is knitting for a few minutes too much to ask in this day and age? Something to permit the mind to quiet yet keep it occupied so it doesn't become bored and require sleep? No, says I! Not in the least!
So, what is going to be the next major feat of the knitting needles? Why, it could be those socks I've threatened for ages and ages, or the capelette. There are so many things yet left to knit!
Could I really manage to bring the knitting with me tomorrow? I may just go ahead and try....
I know I should be working on the Shepardizing problems, and probably will actually *d0* one of them before I leave today, it is just proving something difficult to keep going at the moment. My brain and energy level have practically bottomed out. Food follows yarn in my head like some strange caboose on a very brightly colored train. Yes, I am hungry and I would love to just settle in and pick up my needles and relax for a little while before having to head home to be domestic and finish up the math.
This isn't a new thing for me, though, especially of late. Around five o'clock every afternoon my brain seems to shut down for about an hour. Despite having done chi breathing exercises, some tai chi movements, and potato chip consumption (for the potassium, ahem) the gray cells prefer to shut down for about an hour. While the brain shuts down my hands and eyes want yarn. Lots of soft, brightly colored yarn that absolutely soothes the soul, my soul any way.
Currently on the needles is a hat for Hubby, which is going to require the purchase of more yarn in order to finish it, and a pair of shorts for myself. There is also the capelette I keep threatening to make for myself but never have let it completely take me over.
With the way school is going and all of the consistent movement and alertness required of me, having some down time with yarn relaxes me deep down. If all goes well tomorrow, and it isn't supposed to rain, I may actually attempt to bring some yarn and a set of needles with me for these times. It would be wonderful to be relaxed when heading home of Hubby and the animals so that I don't snip and nip when there isn't any call for it.
It is looking as if every day until finals I am going to be here at school until six or seven o'clock in the evening. It would be good to be able to just sit for a little while, knitting quietly while the rest of the school begins picking up for the evening classes (which is beginning to happen right now).
A lot of familiar faces are here, too. We've been here together since seven this morning. I see the same brain-dead look in their eyes while they force themselves further, onward to evening classes and more homework. Is knitting for a few minutes too much to ask in this day and age? Something to permit the mind to quiet yet keep it occupied so it doesn't become bored and require sleep? No, says I! Not in the least!
So, what is going to be the next major feat of the knitting needles? Why, it could be those socks I've threatened for ages and ages, or the capelette. There are so many things yet left to knit!
Could I really manage to bring the knitting with me tomorrow? I may just go ahead and try....
The Spoon Theory
Many people throughout my life have asked me what it was like to be me, a person with a disability. Even though I told them I hurt somewhere every day and some days were worse than others, they would nod, but it was quite plain to see by the look in their eyes they didn’t get it. It wasn’t them, of course, and it wasn’t me. It is impossible in many respects to explain what it is like to be disabled/handicapped; it is just as impossible to explain what it feels like to be black, Asian, or just plain white.
For many years I didn’t even try to explain it because I had grown quite accustomed to the looks in their eyes when they didn’t get it, and if I attempted to explain it at all it would be only to the people who genuinely seemed interested in wanting to know. These people were usually my closest friends, or those on the border of becoming a close friend. Still, despite their desire to understand, they couldn’t, and they seemed, looked sad because they couldn’t understand.
Recently I made a comment to a friend about feeling tired. He said, “So you’ve run out of spoons for the day?” I didn’t understand what he meant. “I read something that sort of explains to me how you are. I’ll find what I read and send it to you in an e-mail link.
He was good to his word and sent the link to me, and now I am passing it along to you because it does explain what it feels like to have a disability.
This woman has Lupus, which, according to the Arthritis Foundation web page, is lumped in with arthritis. I have rheumatoid arthritis so the fatigue she talks about and how you have to plan and that your back-up plans have back-ups are quite accurate.
So, I pass along the spoon theory. Enjoy
For many years I didn’t even try to explain it because I had grown quite accustomed to the looks in their eyes when they didn’t get it, and if I attempted to explain it at all it would be only to the people who genuinely seemed interested in wanting to know. These people were usually my closest friends, or those on the border of becoming a close friend. Still, despite their desire to understand, they couldn’t, and they seemed, looked sad because they couldn’t understand.
Recently I made a comment to a friend about feeling tired. He said, “So you’ve run out of spoons for the day?” I didn’t understand what he meant. “I read something that sort of explains to me how you are. I’ll find what I read and send it to you in an e-mail link.
He was good to his word and sent the link to me, and now I am passing it along to you because it does explain what it feels like to have a disability.
This woman has Lupus, which, according to the Arthritis Foundation web page, is lumped in with arthritis. I have rheumatoid arthritis so the fatigue she talks about and how you have to plan and that your back-up plans have back-ups are quite accurate.
So, I pass along the spoon theory. Enjoy
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Taking Time to Breathe
Finals are fast approaching. They are heading toward the populace of Sullivan University like a freight train preparing to run over a number of damsels and heroes alike that are tied to the train tracks no less. Yes, this is probably quite a bit of exaggeration, but, all in all, this is pretty much how it feels to yours truly at the moment.
Everything was under control. It really was. Or, perhaps, I had just convinced myself of this. Either way, I am fighting for control now with every fiber of my being and am actually beginning to make some headway.
Legal research is the problem child, of course. It was under control. It really was. Then someone asked me today if I had worked on my Am.Jur sheet. My response was, "What Am.Jur sheet?" Yeah, you got it. It seems, since I sit so far away at a computer terminal in legal research class, I don't often hear things. Luckily for me I have made some friends who are helping me keep track of everything that has been handed out. Now all I need is the time to do it.
Earlier today I was feeling a little over-whelmed, (OK, a lot over-whelmed) so I just went into my favorite unoccupied classroom and just sat for a few minutes while waiting on my next class. Do you find it odd I have a favorite unoccupied classroom? It shouldn't, and won't once I've described it to you.
It is a corner classroom. Two walls are nothing but glass and look out at the bright sunshine. It is warmer than most of the other classrooms because it has the sun streaming into it, and it is always bright--as long as the sun is shining, of course--and just feels happy. I have taken to going in there every afternoon just prior to math class and sitting for a little while because I find it quite peaceful. Today I did some breathing exercises just before heading out to class and felt the knot between my shoulder blades loosen some. Just what the doctor ordered.
It isn't just me that is feeling the stress of fast approaching finals. Everyone is. Everyone who cares about their grades that is. (I care. I care a lot. I probably care more than I should, but getting good grades helps validate me. I don't know why. It just helps me prove to myself I am smart I guess and can do what I've put my mind to. And, on a totally different front, it is almost like a game to me, a game I love playing and the good grades mean I've won the game. Silly? Probably. Honest? Most definitely.) Friends I've made here are all wondering how they are going to get all of the assignments done and handed in on time as well as locate enough time to study for some finals. Yes, I am right there with them, but my worry doesn't seem to be making my face break out in pimples or my stomach churn like it normally would be doing. I am giving credit to prayer, faith, and a lot of breathing exercises I'm learning and actually practicing. A friend here at Sullivan has asked me to show her some of them, and as soon as we have some spare moments together I will.
So, today I am taking time to breathe and do the things that make me happy deep down inside like LJ and blogging. Hopefully this isn't boring you too much. It is just nice sometimes to sit down and connect, thought to person and communicate.
It seems communicating actually does help you lesson your fears and worries as well as relieve stress. Hopefully one day I'll keep expanding this to verbal communication as well.
Now it is time to attack the homework before work begins.
Hope everyone is having a splendid August day!
Everything was under control. It really was. Or, perhaps, I had just convinced myself of this. Either way, I am fighting for control now with every fiber of my being and am actually beginning to make some headway.
Legal research is the problem child, of course. It was under control. It really was. Then someone asked me today if I had worked on my Am.Jur sheet. My response was, "What Am.Jur sheet?" Yeah, you got it. It seems, since I sit so far away at a computer terminal in legal research class, I don't often hear things. Luckily for me I have made some friends who are helping me keep track of everything that has been handed out. Now all I need is the time to do it.
Earlier today I was feeling a little over-whelmed, (OK, a lot over-whelmed) so I just went into my favorite unoccupied classroom and just sat for a few minutes while waiting on my next class. Do you find it odd I have a favorite unoccupied classroom? It shouldn't, and won't once I've described it to you.
It is a corner classroom. Two walls are nothing but glass and look out at the bright sunshine. It is warmer than most of the other classrooms because it has the sun streaming into it, and it is always bright--as long as the sun is shining, of course--and just feels happy. I have taken to going in there every afternoon just prior to math class and sitting for a little while because I find it quite peaceful. Today I did some breathing exercises just before heading out to class and felt the knot between my shoulder blades loosen some. Just what the doctor ordered.
It isn't just me that is feeling the stress of fast approaching finals. Everyone is. Everyone who cares about their grades that is. (I care. I care a lot. I probably care more than I should, but getting good grades helps validate me. I don't know why. It just helps me prove to myself I am smart I guess and can do what I've put my mind to. And, on a totally different front, it is almost like a game to me, a game I love playing and the good grades mean I've won the game. Silly? Probably. Honest? Most definitely.) Friends I've made here are all wondering how they are going to get all of the assignments done and handed in on time as well as locate enough time to study for some finals. Yes, I am right there with them, but my worry doesn't seem to be making my face break out in pimples or my stomach churn like it normally would be doing. I am giving credit to prayer, faith, and a lot of breathing exercises I'm learning and actually practicing. A friend here at Sullivan has asked me to show her some of them, and as soon as we have some spare moments together I will.
So, today I am taking time to breathe and do the things that make me happy deep down inside like LJ and blogging. Hopefully this isn't boring you too much. It is just nice sometimes to sit down and connect, thought to person and communicate.
It seems communicating actually does help you lesson your fears and worries as well as relieve stress. Hopefully one day I'll keep expanding this to verbal communication as well.
Now it is time to attack the homework before work begins.
Hope everyone is having a splendid August day!
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Invictus
I have always loved poetry. There have been moments in my life, still are, when the only way something can be explained or shared has been through poetry. Oftentimes I have nodded quietly at a poem I've read because the poet has captured what I have felt, or explained, in words and meter, something I have been unable to explain to others even though I felt it deeply within my Self.
With everything that has been changing in my life recently, good and bad, this poem has been popping up for me. It isn't because it speaks so profoundly about the ability to change one's self and to be a better person while being "unconquerable" in the Soul and thus being true to yourself. It is mainly because of the idea of struggle it speaks of before the affirmation of somehow succeeding in life. This is very real and true for me right now. The struggle.
Life, of course is nothing but struggle. In my youth I struggled and fought with anger and determination, never quiet simplicity of action. Now I long to struggle quietly so that the victories I achieve, even if I am the only one who realizes the happening as a victory, are my own. If I can do this, (current) fight and struggle, quietly the only thing people will see will be the results and the change, not the turmoil and hardship of the fight itself. Right now it isn't necessary people know I am struggling, fighting for something I cannot, as yet, explain to anyone else. Why? Because when people see the fight they take it for granted it seems, but when they see the results of the struggle, they are more apt to notice the change to its core rather than merely on the surface.
Another reason I am trying so hard to struggle silently is because this is affecting more than me now and I am changing for myself more than anyone else.
Isn't it odd how this happaens sometimes? More of the internal struggles you seem to hide in order to keep the peace or happiness all around you, even if you yourself are miserable and sharing the misery would really just make you even more miserable? Maybe it isn't everyone, or some people, maybe it is just me. I'm not sure any more. Still, the internal struggle happens and I change.
Luckily I can say I have given up all I can give up except for my very life now. I am whittled down to my core; the deepest, most inner parts of my core at that. Now the healing hopefully will begin and create for me a shell that is stronger and easier to maneuver through life with.
So, here it is. The poem that has been roaming my mind for ages, especially during times of intensity such as these happen to be for me. I give you Invictus.
With everything that has been changing in my life recently, good and bad, this poem has been popping up for me. It isn't because it speaks so profoundly about the ability to change one's self and to be a better person while being "unconquerable" in the Soul and thus being true to yourself. It is mainly because of the idea of struggle it speaks of before the affirmation of somehow succeeding in life. This is very real and true for me right now. The struggle.
Life, of course is nothing but struggle. In my youth I struggled and fought with anger and determination, never quiet simplicity of action. Now I long to struggle quietly so that the victories I achieve, even if I am the only one who realizes the happening as a victory, are my own. If I can do this, (current) fight and struggle, quietly the only thing people will see will be the results and the change, not the turmoil and hardship of the fight itself. Right now it isn't necessary people know I am struggling, fighting for something I cannot, as yet, explain to anyone else. Why? Because when people see the fight they take it for granted it seems, but when they see the results of the struggle, they are more apt to notice the change to its core rather than merely on the surface.
Another reason I am trying so hard to struggle silently is because this is affecting more than me now and I am changing for myself more than anyone else.
Isn't it odd how this happaens sometimes? More of the internal struggles you seem to hide in order to keep the peace or happiness all around you, even if you yourself are miserable and sharing the misery would really just make you even more miserable? Maybe it isn't everyone, or some people, maybe it is just me. I'm not sure any more. Still, the internal struggle happens and I change.
Luckily I can say I have given up all I can give up except for my very life now. I am whittled down to my core; the deepest, most inner parts of my core at that. Now the healing hopefully will begin and create for me a shell that is stronger and easier to maneuver through life with.
So, here it is. The poem that has been roaming my mind for ages, especially during times of intensity such as these happen to be for me. I give you Invictus.
Invictus
By
William Ernest Henley. 1849–1903
OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Some Extremely Interesting Things in the News (Some of it is important, too!)
First off, the really important part: Fisher Price recalls toys because of lead paint!
In Finland there is a chocolate loving squirrel that eats the chocolate and makes off with the toy!
And finally, there is a fellow who claims to have proof of real aliens and UFOs. Yeah, I'll believe that one too when he actually convinces me of it. I haven't been able to play the video but the article does make a relatively good start at making a case for him.
On the school front: I have my class schedule for next quarter. The rooms aren't listed, of course, but other than that it is a done deal. The schedule is as follows:
The criminal law class makes me all a quiver! There was another class I really wanted to take, but it was an evening class and since the world is going to turn cold and dark sooner than I am prepared for it to, Hubby and I decided it would really be best if I didn't go forth and take the evening class. Actually, it was Hubby that kept bringing this back to my attention. This is just how much I wanted to take the class. Which class? Tort law, which is what we think of as "law" really. I believe it is just a fascinating case. Still, I have criminal law and it is being taught by my favorite teacher, so this is still a plus and I'm not going to complain overly much. In the winter quarter, however, my schedule may drop down to just three classes because of the weather and how well I do not do in the colder months. Who knows, this year the winter may be another warm one.
About the only class I am really not happy about is the math class. I was told that Math 100, my current math class, would be the only one I'd have to take. This was before UK decided it wanted to be difficult and not send me my correspondence transcript. Because of them I am having to take another crappy math class! No, I am not particularly pleased about this change of events, but there is little else I can do about it, of course. Except grumble. And I am probably going to grumble about this for a while.
OK, I'm outta here for the moment. There is a poem I am wanting to share with you, but this may have to wait until tomorrow or later on this evening.
In Finland there is a chocolate loving squirrel that eats the chocolate and makes off with the toy!
And finally, there is a fellow who claims to have proof of real aliens and UFOs. Yeah, I'll believe that one too when he actually convinces me of it. I haven't been able to play the video but the article does make a relatively good start at making a case for him.
On the school front: I have my class schedule for next quarter. The rooms aren't listed, of course, but other than that it is a done deal. The schedule is as follows:
9:00 a.m. = Domestic relations/Family law
10:00 a.m. = College Mathematics
12:00 p.m. = Legal Writing
1:00 p.m. = Real Estate Law
And there is also an online class I'm taking Criminal Law
The criminal law class makes me all a quiver! There was another class I really wanted to take, but it was an evening class and since the world is going to turn cold and dark sooner than I am prepared for it to, Hubby and I decided it would really be best if I didn't go forth and take the evening class. Actually, it was Hubby that kept bringing this back to my attention. This is just how much I wanted to take the class. Which class? Tort law, which is what we think of as "law" really. I believe it is just a fascinating case. Still, I have criminal law and it is being taught by my favorite teacher, so this is still a plus and I'm not going to complain overly much. In the winter quarter, however, my schedule may drop down to just three classes because of the weather and how well I do not do in the colder months. Who knows, this year the winter may be another warm one.
About the only class I am really not happy about is the math class. I was told that Math 100, my current math class, would be the only one I'd have to take. This was before UK decided it wanted to be difficult and not send me my correspondence transcript. Because of them I am having to take another crappy math class! No, I am not particularly pleased about this change of events, but there is little else I can do about it, of course. Except grumble. And I am probably going to grumble about this for a while.
OK, I'm outta here for the moment. There is a poem I am wanting to share with you, but this may have to wait until tomorrow or later on this evening.
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