Yoga and Suddenly Me

I have been doing yoga for about six weeks now. I confess I haven't done it every day as I know I should be doing, or the very minimum of once a week. Yesterday I did yoga, more as a desperate plea for movement and feeling better - just to feel better. I didn't do the complete routine I have, but it made me feel good. It wasn't the sort of "feeling good" I have been used to with exercise. It was a heart-warming, soul-filling good that I had just done something good for myself and that I had actually enjoyed every moment of it.

When it was all over, and after I had a few moments just to myself, I sat down on the foot of our bed and thought about it. In the past I have promised myself that I would do something to get in shape, start it, and then stop it. This is a point of contention between me and Hubby, especially in an argument (he loves to bring this up). Yesterday, sitting on the foot of the bed and feeling my back more relaxed and my shoulders less stressed - I looked up and saw myself looking back at me.

For the first time in a long time I sat there and looked at me. Did I like the person looking back at me? Yes, I decided. I like that person. Still, the person looking back at me was not in the best of physical condition, but that still didn't make her un-pretty. There was a real beauty underneath it all there, and, quite suddenly, I wanted to make that beauty come out. I wanted to see it. I wanted to experience it. I suddenly felt myself ready. Does that make sense at all? I'm not sure if it does to me or not, but I knew I was ready. It was time. No matter how much I would say it or had said it in the past, it really was time to let that beautiful person I saw just underneath my eyes come out and see the light of day.

In accepting this and knowing all of the work it was going to take, I also realized that I didn't need to hide any more. It was even more surprising to realize I had been hiding a big part of me for most of my life - the pretty side. It has always been more important for me to get the story down, to make a living, to help my parents, to help Hubby and my friends, but never did I fully give time to myself. I always kept time for myself to a minimum. Yesterday I felt important to myself. It was a surprisingly wonderful feeling. It was also in that moment I realized I didn't have to depend on make-up to make me feel pretty. It, the make-up, was just something to help me bring out my eyes and to accent the already full lips. The person looking at me, which was me, was actually very physically pleasing in appearance. I was pretty and there was no need to let it hide in my eyes.

Self-esteem is another word for all of this. I saw self-worth looking back at me from my own eyes. It was startling. It was good. And now I have the strength to go on - letting the prettiness out and letting myself be worthy of everything there is out there for me.