Looking Ahead

It has been a while since I have permitted myself to look forward - genuinely. In re-reading the posts made in this Blog, I realize it does have a general theme of "getting over".... For me, this means, getting over the past couple of hard years and finding my place in where I need to be in the world, in life, in faith, and in myself (not necessarily in that order).

So, with these realizations, and, hopefully, new energy to do so. I am going to move forward, beginning with the holidays.

Before losing Mommy and Daddy and my best friend so close together, I didn't understand how the holidays could make you feel so alone and lost. They were the happiest times of my life and filled with hope. Christmas has always been my true New Year's and always has been filled with hope and love. After losing Mommy I didn't feel that way. Since losing Daddy I didn't feel as if I was ever going to feel anything positive again. Looking at Thanksgiving and Christmas made me feel so depressed. What did I have to look forward to? Those who asked me what I wanted for Christmas made me feel horrible (and still it catches me by surprise) because all I really want I cannot have - I cannot bring them back, nor do I really want to considering the condition they were in.

Still, on a whole, I am a selfish creature and still want my Mommy and Daddy with me...forever.

Recently I have been able to relax and take a deep breath and look around me. There is still hope in the world, and for me. There is still love in this world, and even for me. I still have people I can love, and it is to them I must give of myself. Although the greatest gift I could ask of God is one I won't, because He has already done so much for me.

It is time for me to begin genuinely living again. It may be difficult, but it will happen, and I will find ways of doing so.