Fiction by Michael Lohr

SHAKEDOWN IN MONROE COUNTY, OHIO
By Michael Lohr
Copyright (c) 2005 by Michael Lohr


AP Newswire:
Woodsfield, Ohio.

Deputy Sheriff Curtis T. Minnifield reported that ‘Saxon ‘Wiggly Biscuits’ Jones’ of New Martinsville, West Virginia had been caught speeding and driving with reckless endangerment along the riverfront in the Powhatan Point area. Deputy Minnifield stated that Mr. Herrick was speeding and driving erratically along State Route 7. Deputy Minnifield was quoted as saying, “he was weaving from lane to lane and hit several small animals while attempting to flee. I made my pursuit and called in reinforcements from the City of Powhatan and the City of Clarington as well as the two Regional State of Ohio Patrol offices based in Bellaire and Marietta. I also alerted our fellow Peace Officers in the State of West Virginia that one of their own had busted out and was reeking havoc on this portion of southeastern Ohio.” Additional law officials quickly responded to the scene and Monroe County Sheriff Timothy P. Warbles contacted the U.S. Department of Homeland Security just in case this situation had terrorist implications.

Deputy Minnifield made the initial contact with the suspect as Mr. Jones slowed to an uncontrolled stop after hitting a parked school bus and driving over two stop signs on St. Rt. 7 just north of Clarington. “Thank God that school bus was empty or this situation would have become far worse than it already was,” said Clarington Police Chief Wade “Booger” Smith, whose squad car was approaching the suspect’s vehicle from the southbound lane. Upon receiving the State of Ohio’s desperate plea for help, Homeland Security Head Richard Boogaloo ordered members of the Terrorist Task Force from the FBI Training Facility in Quantico, Virginia to disembark immediately for Monroe County, Ohio and to quell the situation.

Deputy Minnifield, being the brave officer that he is, approached the suspect’s red pickup truck with his revolver pulled as a safety measure. Deputy Minnifield reported that as he came closer to the suspect’s vehicle the sound of Jimmy Buffet music could be heard blaring from the truck cab. By this time Police Chief Smith had stopped his squad car and was approaching the suspect’s vehicle on foot. “I saw Deputy Minnifield approaching from the rear as I approached from the front. Loud music could be heard and the scent of rotting grass was in the air. A sure sign of marijuana.” Deputy Minnifield later reported that he also smelled the scent of rotten grass and said that as he approached the truck bed the scent became overwhelming. “We were concerned for our safety as the suspect had already ran over seventeen cats and dogs, eight goats and one gopher while attempting to flee the scene.”

The two officers kept the suspect at bay until State Patrol backups and the FBI arrived. When Mr. Jones was pulled from the vehicle he gave little resistance but was babbling incoherently about the state of Florida and a bitch that done did him wrong.

President Bush and State of Ohio Governor Taft awarded Deputy Minnifield the Presidential Medal of Honor, the State of Ohio Valor and Duty Award and a coupon for a free blowjob at the Cadillac Dude Ranch in Las Vegas, Nevada. God Bless America and stay safe.

END

Michael Lohr is a professional journalist. His work has appeared in such diverse magazines as Rolling Stone, The Economist, Southern Living, Men's Journal, ESPN Magazine, Outside Magazine, Caribbean Travel & Life, Canoe Journal, Canoe & Kayaking, Outdoor Life, and Blue Ridge Country to namea few. Genre-wise, he has been published in Brutarian Quaterly, Cemetary Dance, Marsdust, Albedo One, Interzone, The Third Alternative, Midnight Street et al. His webpage can be found at

http://www.internet.is/music/writer/michael_lohr.htm