Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Alive and Thinking

Sometimes it is very difficult to change gears in the middle of the race, or swap paddle strokes in the middle of the raging rapids – this is how I have been feeling since getting out of the hospital. I have been doing a lot of thinking, reassessing, and general deciding what this phase of my life was going to be like.

According to all of the tests results, there is a bone spur on a very sensitive spot of my spine. It is putting pressure on the spinal column and it is a good chance this pressure is what is causing the weird migraines.

Because of the medical problems I am not working, which has genuinely messed with how I am up throughout the days. So far I have not been up and doing very much because I have been battling migraines (one migraine lasted for six days last week and one was yesterday). The strength also has not returned to my left leg as it should, so I am working slowly on this, but probably not as die hard as I should.

With everything being in flux, the blogging, checking of e-mail, and so very much more has felt as if it has just fallen to the wayside. Or, it was, until this week when words began flowing in my head and thus onto paper. Through the writing and thinking that comes with it is usually how yours truly figures out what to do with a problem. Maybe I have finally caught up on enough rest so that my brain can now function on the problems at hand and the creativity that was backed up – nonexistent – has now released.

One thing that has helped me with this release has been qi gong. Yesterday I did some sitting meditation (working my way back up to the standing meditation), and felt as if everything was finally beginning to roll slowly back into place. Of course, the correct “place” has changed somewhat, but the places were familiar and seemed to just feel right.

There is part of me that suspects that this may be the final stage of life for me. It isn’t that I am going to die, although I could die at any moment according to the doctors’, but that this is the final stage I will live in my life and I need to make certain it is spent well and doing the things I love and need to do to fulfill my life. This is the stage of my life where I need to be happy and successful.

It sounds easy doesn’t it – live my life where I am happy, successful, and fulfilled. Do you have any idea how difficult this is? It is genuinely difficult to decide what to do with the rest of your life. Do I continue on with my job? Do I go back on disability and just make it work with the writing? Do I go back to school? Do I do anything at all? Well, of course I am going to do something; I am just deciding what needs to be done.

One thing is easy: I will give Hubby more serious time and my faith.

Following this I will also work on getting my body stronger, and will use qi gong and exercise to do this. I will get my house back into order. I will write and work on having the best life I can. And I will succeed. There are just things that need to be decided. Serious things.

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