Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Gray Sky Is Weighing Me Down With Tears

It is gray here in Lexington today. It hasn't rained to my knowledge, but I sort of wish it would - at least the rain would reflect how I am feeling on the inside at the moment.

Of course, I have already had my own water works for the day. Not to go into too much detail but, I was trying to play and joke with someone and they became angry and defensive and it hurt my feelings down to the core of my being. I tried to explain, but I really don't believe the other person understands just how much this misunderstanding came about and at such a cost to, possibly, both of us. The friendship is still intact, but it may be a while before I am comfortable again. In the past I can see how the misunderstanding could have escalated into a huge argument, but this time it was innocent and I am hurt. They are hurt and probably angry, despite telling me and themselves they aren't. Defensiveness usually means hurt and anger despite what the person is saying. It is just plain human nature.

It took me a while to stop crying. I haven't cried like that in a long time. It wasn't a cleansing cry, but one of those crys that just lets all of the emotion you can't explain or hold any more just come out. Hopefully it was good for my blood pressure. Just to make sure I took my little nerve pill and relaxed in front of the computer to do some editing on a story I am sending out and just try and work into some type of relaxation. To help encourage this I also put on SKY.fm through Windows Media Player and let the rhythms just flow through me as best as I can.

I am far too emotional these days, and I just can't reign them in.

Monday, August 25, 2008


It is raining.

It is quiet.

The knitting needles call me loudly.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Some Decisions Are Impossible To Make!

Today I was supposed to go to the doctor. It was one of those important follow-ups where I was supposed to get test results and talk over those more important patient questions with said doctor. As you have guessed by now, I didn't make it. Why? Because WHEELS was running an hour behind. I called the doctor's office to see if they could see me any way, but was told the doctor's schedule was full and they couldn't take any walk-ins unless it was an emergency (which they would prefer the emergency cases went to the ER, and rightly so). This means that, once again, I had to reschedule this same doctor's appointment for the third time.

Why yes, I did get somewhat annoyed when all was said and done, but figured it would be best to just let it go and move on with the day. It is Friday after all.

However, before heading outside to wait on the bus that would not come, there was a horrible decision to make: What should I take with me for the "waiting" portion of the day? You know, waiting on the bus to arrive here and to bring me back home from the doctor's office; as well as waiting in the doctor's office. Knitting, of course, was the first thing that came to mind, but this also meant that it would be an extra bag to keep track of; and, the book I am currently reading came second. It wouldn't have been overly difficult to take both, but one would have been better than both and less to keep track of. It took a good thirty minutes to settle on the book. Even once the decision was firmly made, my hands still itched to work on the scarf currently on the needles.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

A Different Sort of Gray

Today has not been the best. It has been one of pain and almost-unhappiness due to said pain. This time Arther (Arthritis for the newbies) has decided to visit the hands, elbows, feet, and touched on the right knee. Plus the sciatic nerve really isn't happy yet, but growing less annoyed with being part of this particular body.

To help alleviate the unhappy body, the power chair was brought into play today. Yes, I know, I was surprised I actually let myself get into it after all of the hard work it took to get used to the manual one which keeps my legs stronger and moving. If everything goes as I hope, tonight will see me putting the power chair on charge for the doctor's visit tomorrow, and some good, quiet sleep tonight.

Since it is Thursday there is the game to consider. I have considered it and am not going. Getting outside in the power chair wouldn't be a problem, but getting out of the power chair and struggling into the van would be more struggle than what I personally want to undergo today, especially since the pain is just now beginning to ease up a little. However, since I am not going to the game there is time to just sit quietly and knit on the scarf I have promised Church. I may also watch Hellboy, the uncut version while I knit. So, see, the evening will not be wasted.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Rejection Slips

A poem I had submitted to a magazine was rejected. I didn't get a "rejection slip" because it was an e-mail, but it still works out to be the same thing.

Am I sad? Depressed? I am a little sad a poem was rejected, but, at the same time, this is actual proof I am trying to get my writing out there for the world to read. In this way the rejection is a positive thing, and fodder for my determination to kick in to a higher gear.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

There IS a good reason I haven't been around for a while...

And just what is that reason you ask? It is called MY BIRTHDAY!!! Cheyenne came in for his birthday as well as mine, and we partook of good food and friendship, and after dinner on Thursday, which was my actual birthday, we went to Lynagh's Pub downtown where PG was bar tending. The drink you see here to the right is the drink that ended the night -- whiskey.
And the lovely beverage below began the evening. It has 9 liquors, if I am not mistaken, and it packed quite a punch. Yes it did! So I just had to have one more of them before moving to the nice shot of whiskey PG gave me as a birthday present.
AND I drove in my little handy-dandy power chair all the way to the van without one single mishap. However, once I was on my feet and moving, all of the liquor hit, of course. I believe, if I am not mistaken, I informed nearly everyone and anyone who would listen that it was my birthday...loudly.
Poor Hubby handled it all with humor and smiles and listened to me jabber in the bed until I passed out fell asleep peacefully beside him.
Friday I slept late, sort of, and awoke hungry and happy. No hang over. (See, I did go to college!) Since some friends didn't get to make it to the dinner on the previous night there was a second evening of dinner at Natasha's Cafe where there was a live band playing. They were a Beatles cover band and did an awesome job. People danced and sang and ate and it was loud and it was fun and happy and was the perfect topper to the birthday celebrations.
Saturday we all just sort of hung out and relaxed. Sunday was an ill day for my darling Hubby. We think (are pretty sure) he got too much MSG along the way in the form of KFC chicken. He was a sick man, and I was just exhausted. He had a full-blown migraine all of Sunday and was weak from it yesterday so he ended up not going to work, which means today he is putting in over-time to catch up on all of the work he missed. He so hates to miss any days, but especially Mondays because it throws his week off (and work schedule).
Since partying for most (if not all) of the weekend, yesterday I sat down and wrote out a good list of all of the things I needed to accomplish this week. Since I spread everything over the week, it is actually getting done slowly; this means the plan is working! Now, all I need is to get my left leg to stop hurting just a little: I slipped yesterday and hit my psyattic(sp?) nerve and it hasn't stopped hurting since. Still, it hasn't put a damper on anything. It is just a (horrible, terrible) pain that will pass eventually and I'll be 100% instead of just 85% as is the current case.
Hubby and I have decided to go down to Lynagh's about once a week just to get away for a little while and have a drink. He says they have an awesome selection of sandwiches. I wouldn't mind trying one.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Sunshine Outside My Window

Today is better than yesterday in the mental and spiritual sense. Today, like yesterday, I have made sure to play soothing music while I am trying to work and up-beat music when I am doing housework. I also made myself get up with Hubby instead of laying in the bed an extra 45 minutes, and I am feeling better, more alert and less...almost-depressed.

Somewhere within the past 24 hours I have realized I am not depressed. I am in flux. My entire life is in this weird, strange ebb and flow. The waters of my world are pushing and pulling me in different directions and I am soon going to be adrift in the vast sea of life and on my way to some other portion of my existence that will, eventually, become yet another part of my life and my world. Seeing that, realizing that, has helped me to be more calm and relaxed of late, as well as energized to actually go out and change the last few things in my life that I sincerely don't like about myself. And, surprisingly, there is an actual plan for beginning this!

Parts of it may be silly to others, but for me I am actually taking a big deep breath and heading forward with it, and my head is held high - not out of determination really, or arrogance or anything like that: It is being held high because I want to see the things that will be coming for me, or at me, whichever way you may understand it yourself. This time I understand, for these specific things I am going to be working on, I am scarred and I am supposed to be - change of oneself isn't supposed to be easy. If it were easy, then we could change each and every bad thing about ourselves without hardship or worry and we wouldn't keep falling back into old or bad habits.

Maybe this is all coming about because my birthday is tomorrow and I can see just how much I have changed (even if others can't) and I can, with certainty, know I can change the last of these things that I need to change to be the person I perceive myself to be, rather than hope to be. Does this make sense? I hope so.

A friend of mine recently told me that I am having a mid-life crisis. I am at the age of mid-life, and I am going through an internal crisis, but it doesn't feel all that horrible and world ending. It feels more like a "world-beginning" moment. It is frightening. It leaves me in a cold sweat sometimes, but I know it isn't going to kill me, and this is all for the better - a better me, a better us, a better life.

It isn't going to be a quick thing. It isn't going to happen over-night. It will happen, though. It must happen. Why? It must happen because it is time for it too. Just like when you're growing up and you know you are going through a transition and, at some moment of clarity you realize you aren't a child any more, and at the very same time you realize you aren't fully the person you are going to be. This point in my own history is one of those, just, a little older and more intense because I am older and more secure - in some ways - than I used to be. I am not a young woman any more. I am not an old woman either. I am in a strange land I've never been before and some changes are going to have to be made to develop into the person I want and need to be.

Yes, I know, this has been happening a while for me. Change doesn't automatically happen. The difference about this moment in time is that I am beyond aware of it, and there is something about it that is exciting to me. It is positive in the depths of the fearfulness of it all. It is the beginning of the next-to-final stage of who I am to be.

Monday, August 04, 2008


Today has already been an odd day, but, surprisingly, a good day.

To start off the day I had a horrible headache that made me feel de-evolved into something very unpleasant. Surprisingly, when I actually made it to my feet from laying down, my neck popped loud, with a tremendous sharp pain, and the headache vanished! I am thankful the headache vanished and hopeful I will not sleep in a position that puts my neck in such a horrible place again.

The meeting with the Vocational Rehabilitation councilor for today was cancelled due to transportation problems. Surprisingly, when I explained to her everything that had been going on and how the re-scheduling for today wasn't going to work out as I had hoped, she was understandable. In the conversation we also talked over some good possibilities for some employment of at least part time. The Voc Rehab councilor wanted a release from my doctor, which, hopefully, I can secure for her the very next time I go to the doctor, which is the 22nd of this month. Again, this was a not-so-good-something that has ended up actually being positive.

The novel is progressing and I realized that I enjoyed my first beginning than the second one. This means, of course, I'll go back to the original beginning and move on from there. Sadly, I will have to work most of the day to catch up on the word count since I did nothing over the weekend (husbands have priorities on the weekends you know). And, since I have begun a somewhat difficult novel, my beloved werewolf keeps popping up; as a matter of fact, I dreamed about him all night last night and leads me to wonder...again...if I can indeed write two distinctly different novels at the same time. Several writers' blogs I read seem to have them concentrating on only one new piece at a time. Perhaps, by the time the spiffy fantasy novel is finished my beloved werewolf will be more willing to go down onto the paper? One project at a time, though, is probably the best route to take at the moment.

Yesterday Hubby and I finally made it to Barns and Noble! It was SO fantastic to be there! I was so very pleased, and even he had a good time this time. Sniffles made it to BN as well and it was just a wonderful escape for me, even though we didn't make it to Church. Hubby just couldn't wake up and I just simply wasn't feeling all that well. Relaxing at the bookstore and meeting friends and getting a fleece to spin up has made me it so much easier to deal with life in general, at least for today.

Bought more yarn to begin a new tam with yesterday. Is it even possible for me to go near a place that sells yarn without making a purchase? I am beginning to doubt it is. The new yarn is going to make a very interesting tam, I think. Pictures when it is finished, of course.

Now, off to to some housework and catch up on the writing!

Friday, August 01, 2008

New Novel Progress

Started a new novel today. So far am quite pleased with it.

Words today: 1679
Goal words: 100,000

quiet zen moment

Yesterday I did quite a bit of spinning. The TV was on in the background, which was the perfect "background noise". Once I looked up to see the dogs had encircled me and the cat was peacefully curled in the center of the living room rug and as asleep as any cat you have ever seen. She was so asleep that when JoJo walked over her to get to another comfy spot she didn't even wake up to give her even a half-hearted swat.

It was such a peaceful moment in time. It was peaceful as well as encouraging that everything was going to be all right in that zen sort of way. It was one of those moments where I was in the very center of it, and there was peace surrounding me. There haven't been too many of those lately for one reason or another, and that one happened yesterday encourages me that, perhaps, one will happen today. And tomorrow. And the next day.