Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Sunshine Outside My Window

Today is better than yesterday in the mental and spiritual sense. Today, like yesterday, I have made sure to play soothing music while I am trying to work and up-beat music when I am doing housework. I also made myself get up with Hubby instead of laying in the bed an extra 45 minutes, and I am feeling better, more alert and less...almost-depressed.

Somewhere within the past 24 hours I have realized I am not depressed. I am in flux. My entire life is in this weird, strange ebb and flow. The waters of my world are pushing and pulling me in different directions and I am soon going to be adrift in the vast sea of life and on my way to some other portion of my existence that will, eventually, become yet another part of my life and my world. Seeing that, realizing that, has helped me to be more calm and relaxed of late, as well as energized to actually go out and change the last few things in my life that I sincerely don't like about myself. And, surprisingly, there is an actual plan for beginning this!

Parts of it may be silly to others, but for me I am actually taking a big deep breath and heading forward with it, and my head is held high - not out of determination really, or arrogance or anything like that: It is being held high because I want to see the things that will be coming for me, or at me, whichever way you may understand it yourself. This time I understand, for these specific things I am going to be working on, I am scarred and I am supposed to be - change of oneself isn't supposed to be easy. If it were easy, then we could change each and every bad thing about ourselves without hardship or worry and we wouldn't keep falling back into old or bad habits.

Maybe this is all coming about because my birthday is tomorrow and I can see just how much I have changed (even if others can't) and I can, with certainty, know I can change the last of these things that I need to change to be the person I perceive myself to be, rather than hope to be. Does this make sense? I hope so.

A friend of mine recently told me that I am having a mid-life crisis. I am at the age of mid-life, and I am going through an internal crisis, but it doesn't feel all that horrible and world ending. It feels more like a "world-beginning" moment. It is frightening. It leaves me in a cold sweat sometimes, but I know it isn't going to kill me, and this is all for the better - a better me, a better us, a better life.

It isn't going to be a quick thing. It isn't going to happen over-night. It will happen, though. It must happen. Why? It must happen because it is time for it too. Just like when you're growing up and you know you are going through a transition and, at some moment of clarity you realize you aren't a child any more, and at the very same time you realize you aren't fully the person you are going to be. This point in my own history is one of those, just, a little older and more intense because I am older and more secure - in some ways - than I used to be. I am not a young woman any more. I am not an old woman either. I am in a strange land I've never been before and some changes are going to have to be made to develop into the person I want and need to be.

Yes, I know, this has been happening a while for me. Change doesn't automatically happen. The difference about this moment in time is that I am beyond aware of it, and there is something about it that is exciting to me. It is positive in the depths of the fearfulness of it all. It is the beginning of the next-to-final stage of who I am to be.

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