Monday, July 12, 2010

Immovable Objects

Have you ever had a moment where you have just had to step away from what you were doing and take a serious look at it and what you knew about what you were doing, re-analyze it before taking a very big deep breath and start again? I have had to do that a couple of times in the past couple of months just to keep my head semi-clear on what I am doing with life and qi gong and how it is affecting my life and actually keeping me going in more ways than one.

In some ways qi gong has begun to re-write the pattern of my life, of my world. Strangely it fits in very well with my belief and helps me to organize my thoughts easier about my belief. Of course, when everything begins to fit nicely, the *human* in me rebels and simply refuses to accept that some things can be just as *simple* or *easy* as this or that, and then a nice big hole opens up for depression to form and then I start wondering when everything is going to end and whether or not anything I am doing is worth it at all, even, at times, faith wise.

This past week I had a very hard and cruel wake-up gong. I brought it upon myself because I was being simultaneously “stiff necked” and “weak kneed” in how I was handling certain situations and relationships in my life. Very important relationships in my life. *Passive aggressive* doesn’t come anywhere CLOSE to what was (is) going on with me, especially this past week.

This past week has been one of those times where I have wanted everything and nothing all at the same time. The main thing I have wanted is peace. I have wanted moments where everyone and every life-force around me to get along and be non-confrontational with each other, and, of course, it hasn’t happened, because people can’t be that way for very long.

Because I am married, I am the person who should be making everything better in my relationship with my husband, or at least making a huge effort to make his life easier than it has been. I admit I haven’t been the greatest wife in that department in the years we’ve been together and especially not here of late. Add into this particular combination that I have to also take into action my own rehabilitation and keep my physical strength up through water exercise the husband has fallen through the crevasses. PLUS keep my mind and outlook positive so I can achieve all of this – when do I get to rest from all of the labor? Trust me, it truly is labor: Sometimes I feel as if I am giving birth to myself, and it is a very difficult birth!

SO…this week, or more particularly this weekend, I have had to step away from everything and take one of those good deep looks at me and decide how to keep going and just where to go from this point forward. Even though it is Monday and I don’t truly have the entirety of the direction figured out, my faith, my husband, and qi gong are firmly in place and, for the first time in my entire life there truly are immovable objects in my life and it feels remarkably wonderful to have them.

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