A Cold Blue Funk

For the past several days I have been in a funk. A cold blue funk. I usually get this way when cold weather begins to happen it seems, it is just that this time it has been a horrible cold blue funk. Nothing I have attempted to do has actually been accomplished, although there are many plans for something, many things. Now I am heading out of that funk where I feel as if I am a failure at writing and the thought of just giving up and quitting telling stories has slowly begun to pass. When the weather is warm there is much hope in me, when the weather cools and the sky begins to gray there is not much hope inside to find a spark to keep going, to keep doing what I truly love and what truly makes me happy.

I could have posted many things these past few days but it would have been so dark and depressing I couldn't very well see what anyone would want to even read the News for! It possibly could fit in with Halloween, and I will try and look at it that way next year, since I will have the blog to help me remember what I did and didn't do.

Oodles of Love and Puddles

click to enlarge

Being the happy and very proud mama to a bouncing dog named JoJo, this just seemed SO appropriate for today. Upon seeing her daddy off this morning and giving me and our other, older dog Gabby much lovings, JoJo promptly found something to run and play with and so kept bouncing and play-growling, barking and having all the happy fun of youth's energy and life that could be wrung out of the moment until she just collapsed in a heap, her tail still wagging and her eyes still sparkling.

Yes, I understand the drool.

### ### ###

Today is Friday. I am happy to see the weekend arrive. This has not been a "bad" week. In fact, I am most grateful to have it headache free. I am looking forward, however, to having Kolbar around and hopefully getting the garbage taken out. I also need a break from writing even though I KNOW ideas and words will disturb me all weekend long until I am longing for Monday or a moment when I am to myself so I can deposit them upon paper or the computer.

Power Words From Leonard Cohen

Was listening to Leonard Cohen last night and found myself just sitting and listening. It seems when he sings that's what I do. Sit and listen. The words that come out of the radio or MP3 player or the computer are captivating and so true on so many different levels. The song that really struck down to my soul is "In the Tower of Song."

Tower Of Song

Well my friends are gone and my hair is grey
I ache in the places where I used to play
And I'm crazy for love but I'm not coming on
I'm just paying my rent every day
Oh in the Tower of Song


I said to Hank Williams: how lonely does it get?
Hank Williams hasn't answered yet
But I hear him coughing all night long
A hundred floors above me
In the Tower of Song


I was born like this, I had no choice
I was born with the gift of a golden voice
And twenty-seven angels from the Great Beyond
They tied me to this table right here
In the Tower of Song


So you can stick your little pins in that voodoo doll
I'm very sorry, baby, doesn't look like me at all
I'm standing by the window where the light is strong
Ah they don't let a woman kill you
Not in the Tower of Song


Now you can say that I've grown bitter but of this you may be sure
The rich have got their channels in the bedrooms of the poor
And there's a mighty judgment coming, but I may be wrong
You see, you hear these funny voices
In the Tower of Song


I see you standing on the other side
I don't know how the river got so wide
I loved you baby, way back when
And all the bridges are burning that we might have crossed
But I feel so close to everything that we lost
We'll never have to lose it again


Now I bid you farewell, I don't know when I'll be back
There moving us tomorrow to that tower down the track
But you'll be hearing from me baby, long after I'm gone
I'll be speaking to you sweetly
From a window in the Tower of Song
Yeah my friends are gone and my hair is grey
I ache in the places where I used to play
And I'm crazy for love but I'm not coming on
I'm just paying my rent every day
Oh in the Tower of Song

(L. Cohen) Stranger Music, Inc.

(c) 1996-2005 SONY BMG Music (Canada) Inc.

Fantasy Revealed, Part VIX

Fantasy Revealed
By H.A. Handy
Copyright 2005 (C) by H.A. Handy


(Part VIX)# # # # # # #



The table was a living tree whose large root rose up out of the ground to actually form it and our chairs were living vines and twigs that wound and bound themselves into that shape. Each chair was attached to the table in some form or fashion and were green and lovely, and quite comfortable. Vegetables, fruits, breads and cheeses filled the table itself to almost overflowing as my companions and I sat down. Elira sat at the head of the table and other elves served us with their flowing hair and robes giving them the allure of wisps.

There was a tall, almost wispy male who sat at Elira’s right hand. He had silver bracers at his wrists and a silver band around his long white-silver hair. He had not said anything the entire time we had been at the table and ate sparingly. To Elira’s left as an older elf, and he looked old, ancient in fact. He wore the same type of bands as the one on the right, except they were etched in detailed leaf and vine patterns. This turned out to be Elira’s father, Galan. The younger one on her right was Delentrol, her husband. All around us sat generals and the finest warriors and poets, according to Dremor, that Silver Wood had to offer. It should have made me feel special I suppose, but all it did was make me feel uncomfortable and very much a fraud.

Besides myself and Dremor, Fredrick was also present, more composed now than what he had been earlier. Kolbar also sat at the table, but there was a good space between himself and his elven table companions. All through the meal I could feel Kolbar’s eyes upon me which only added to my discomfort.

“I thank you on behalf of myself and my traveling companions,” Dremor said, raising his glass to Elira and the other elves who sat at the table. Elira inclined her head graciously and lifted her own goblet of purest gem and smiled.

“It is only our pleasure to help in times such as these,” she said. “Which way do you plan on taking from here?”

“That is up to the Keeper,” Dremor said. He stiffened slightly. So did I. “It is she who will direct our journey.”

Elira’s tinkling laugh wafted over the table, “And this is surprising news to our Keeper, I see.” I felt myself blush slightly as I nodded in agreement. “There is time and space here for you to rest long enough to decide which direction you need to go, Keeper,” she said.

“Thank you.” Part of me was relieved, and part of me was still terrified. These people, this world was depending on me, me who had no experience of being a hero or of even fully standing up for myself. Everything I had ever failed to do flowed through my mind at that moment and I could not imagine for the life of me why these people could trust me as they did! I had no earthly idea of what I was supposed to do or how I was supposed to do it! All I knew for certain was that they were depending on me and I could either give up or go on, and, at that point, I was not at all certain what I was going to do. Everything felt very over-whelming and heavy to me at that moment and the thought of having a day or two just to think, to let everything settle (if that could even be possible).

The meal ended, thankfully, not too long after and each of us were led to our quarters for the time being – all of them were in a large tree with vines limbs that were magically encouraged to grow into steps leading up to large boughs where more limbs were encouraged to form walls and roofs. There were no rails on the outside of the steps and I found myself keeping a hand on the tree itself as we ascended. Elira and the others, except for Fredrick (how tall it must have been to him!), did not pay attention to the winding stairs and the absence of a rail.

My room was really a small house nestled high in the tree. It was furnished with a table, a couple of chairs carved from wood it seemed, and a large, comfortable bed. Large orange gems lay upon several clusters of stones throughout the room. Heat radiated slightly from them. When Elira had excused herself with promises she would have someone return for me, she motioned for the others to follow her.

“I’ll be staying right here,” Kolbar said flatly. “The floor is good and solid and I AM a gentleman,” he said. Elira looked to Fredrick who shrugged, and then nodded. “Only for your protection, Keeper,” Kolbar added. There was a sparkle to his dark eyes that made me almost furious, and also amused me. Dremor, not at all happy about the situation nodded, bowed at the door and stepped outside. Fredrick followed and Elira smiled a soft, welcoming smile, and then backed out the door. A thick curtain fell down behind her leaving me totally alone with Kolbar.

“All of this is a bit much isn’t it,” he said, quite matter-of-factly. “Safe and secure as you can be in your world, you come here to uncertainty and possible death to assist a people you never even heard of before.”

“I’ve heard of you, but just in stories,” I said suddenly. Kolbar smiled down into the heating stones.

“I saw your face at the meal,” he continued. “You need space to rest and think, and let whatever is leading us tell you where we should go. Dremor is a good fellow. He is brave and kind, even if he is a little dense at times, and he would die to help you and help our lands, but sometimes he puts pressure on a person by merely being in the same room with them.” Kolbar chuckled softly. “I know from experience. Fredrick is a wizard and curious. He will have questions flowing out his ears as well as his mouth for you, which keeps you from hearing your own thoughts, much less the full content of his questions.” I found myself smiling. “He is a good enough chap as well, even if he is a wizard. He too would die to assist you and our land. Me,” he said with a heavy sigh, “I am keeping a promise I made to a very kind king. I would die for my land, and if you can save my land, I will die for you. Besides, there is something out of place about you, and I understand it. You are out of place, and, at the same time, right where you need to be, even if you don’t understand it at the moment.” Kolbar suddenly looked uncomfortable. “I will be right outside. If you need anything, just call me. No one will bother you as long as I am here.”

“Thank you,” I said, feeling quite small and very close to tears. Kolbar bowed and went through the heavy curtain door to leave me alone. Ella and Enyo both yawned and stretched. They looked at me hopefully, their tails wagging almost in tandem. I crawled up onto the bed and they followed. I had planned to just lay down and think for a moment, but ended up falling fast asleep.

No Matter What We Have Planned, Things Change

The illness I have been suffering from, I believe, is over, which means things may actually sort of get back to order here and other places.

Looking Out at the Sunshine

Today is Saturday. It is a day of rest. Both I and B need it. This past bout of sickness has worn both of us out even though I am the one who was ill. It really does take a lot out of a person to care for someone who is sick. I didn't realize how much it really took out of you until I began caring for my Mom before she died. It was really tough. Not only do you have the physical part to worry about such as medications and taking blood pressures at prescribed times and tons of other technical things to remember, but you also try and keep the spirits of the person who is sick upbeat, no matter what the inevitable outcome is.

You can never let yourself get down in front of them either. You can never let yourself get upset with them, too. What would it do to their morale if you did? So you bottle up all of the pain until you are alone for a few hours and you write it out (which is what I tried to do in my case) or you cry it out (which is something I did quite often). B is a strong man but sometimes I am simply amazed at what all he does for me without complaint. So, today, I have decided, is his day. Whatever he wants to do is fine with me. The sun is shining and it is a brilliantly warm autumn day. Currently he is playing Halo on the X-Box.

Yes, whatever he wishes today I will comply with because he deserves it, because I love him, because I am grateful, because it is good seeing him smile this way.

I'm Alive for the Most Part

Thank you, first and foremost, Cheyenne who has been keeping The News running for me since my downtime on horrible sickness; and thank you for all of those wonderful e-mails of "feel better" and "get well soon" i just found from all of you out there who read my little blog and enjoy it. I am still not totally well, but well enough to sit down and jot a few things before taking more medication and possibly lying down or kill a few brain cells by trying to find something good on TV this afternoon.

Fantasy Revealed is here and ready to go...almost. I re-read what I had and discovered a lot of problems, probably because I wrote it while becoming deathly ill and didn't notice the bents until today upon reading it over before posting. So, it should be up the first of next week because I should be on some type of a normal schedule of feeling good and not being ill any more (crosses fingers). Sorry, but I have been very ill and, well, it is going to take some time to recover fully, but writing should start back up next week as normal.

I Expect, Poetry

I Expect
by Shane Stewart
copyright 2005 Shane Stewart

I expect
That the sun will come out.
That it’s going to rain.
That summer will be hot,
And winter cold,
And that I’ll complain about both
At least once.

I expect
That tomorrow will be bad.
That the next day will be good.
That today will be mediocre,
And horrible,
And excellent in parts and times
Before it’s through.

I expect
That I’ll be alone.
That I’ll fall in love.
That someone I care for
And don’t dare imagine life without
Will be gone far too soon
For my mortal tastes.

And that
I’ll be kissed,
And maybe slapped,
Relished and avoided,
Again and again as days go by.
But above all things, I expect
That I’ll see you again.

The Beginnings and No More Headaches

The migraine of the past two weeks is gone as of this morning.

I woke up at 5:00 this morning because my JoJo wanted out and she told me and not B who was also sleeping soundly. When B came back to bed he asked me how I was feeling. For a moment I just lay there waiting for the inevitable hammering to begin, as usual, but it didn't. "I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!" was my cry and we celebrated with laughter and holding each other tight. It was a very good morning while we waited for the alarm clock to go off. Pleasant. In fact, it was the most pleasant morning than I have had for two or more weeks, so, yes, I relished every moment of it.

B went to work and left me in bed so I could get some much needed real sleep and rest. I needed it. When I finally crawled out of bed, JoJo decided to lay there for a few more minutes without me, I felt new. Everything seemed new and prosperous, wonderfully good despite the dreary outside and the cool temps of autumn. I did try to take the kitchen in hand but my legs started shaking horribly which made me quite startled: I am weak. This means I have been seriously ill. It is amazing how so much pain can make you not realize how sick you really are. Sometimes it can be a blessing, of course, and sometimes it isn't. I still have not decided if this instance was a blessing or a curse, so just decided to take one part of my life and order it a little better so I can actually say I have done something productive today.

So, the part of my life I chose was my writing life. Book Two of the Turtle series is ready to start. I signed it up for NaNoWriMo because, well, I need to get some things ordered and organized and some research done before I actually start putting words down on it, and I figured that will take most, if not all, of this month. So, I organized my NaNoWriMo for the novel, selected a journal I will be filling with notes and research material for the story, and went over a short story I am going to be submitting somewhere by the end of the week or the beginning of next week, I hope.

I have journaled in LJ and gone through much email and am actually seeing a difference in the on-line clutter as compared to what it was and how it is now. The clutter on my desk is totally different, of course, and I will have to attend to that very soon, but I still have time and this is good.

It is amazing how much time I have lost in the writing world because of the silly headaches. I don't like losing writing time. It makes me feel as if I am failing or have lost something I will never be able to gain again. I know, this is silly, but this is the way it makes me feel.

Now, on to more writing. FANTASY REVEALED will be up tomorrow.

Angst

I am sick and tired of being sick!

"Just don't give up on trying to do what you really want to do. Where there is love and inspiration, I don't think you can go wrong."

– Ella Fitzgerald

A New Month, A New Day, Same Headache

I am quite simply tired of this headache. I am tired to the bone of it! I want it to go away now. One good thing I can say is that the headache is not consistent now, it left me alone for almost a week, but has now returned to make the scalp sore and the eye twitch, but it isn't as bad as it has been. It sort of ebbs and flows. Sometimes it feels as if it has a high and low "tide" if you will.

Yes, I am tired of the headache from the infected bone behind my ear. Yep, tired of it I say.

Fantasy Revealed, VIII

Fantasy Revealed, Part VIII
By H.A. Handy
Copyright (c) 2005 by H.A. Handy

--VIII--

We were under the castle hill and just left of it. Fire was writhing from a tower and there were hundreds of men fighting on both sides as well as elves. The only dwarves I saw were short and thick and had the King’s colors upon them.

Horses lay dead here and there and the smell of blood was thick in the air. The moans and cries of wounded men were everywhere. I thought “men” because I didn’t have name for what mass of men were before me.

The king, in armor and raising Excalibur, shouted something I couldn’t understand and his forces poured from the castle and fortress. Peasant from below suddenly rushed in from behind to fight for their home and king. Cappa’s frightened mewing made me look for her. I didn’t see her at all for several seconds until Kolbar reappeared and in his vest, at his right vest, Cappa was tucked unceremoniously, and each time she tried to break for it, Kolbar’s large hand tucked her safely inside his vest again. I saw a trickle of red blood on his chest from where she had scratched him.

Kolbar whistled and horses came thundering from a thicket to our right. Kolbar climbed aboard one bareback and unbridled and motioned for Dremor, Fredrick and I to follow. Packs were slung unceremoniously over my saddle and Fredrick was seated in front of Dremor as our mad dash began away from Camelot, the ring and clash of metal on metal in our ears just before a blaring blast made our bones shudder inside our bodies.

“I need to go back! He has a wizard!” Fredrick screamed as he tried to get down from the galloping horse he was on. Dremor held him in place and reminded him the king knew what he was doing. I didn’t think Fredrick was as certain any more.

“Don’t look back!” Kolbar yelled from his place ahead of us. He bent low over the neck of his horse and the steed picked up speed. I leaned forward and to the right of the horse I was on and it too headed for Kolbar. It seemed our horses were rivals because they loved to run. Dremor, his horse encumbered with Fredrick but no packs, was lagging behind slightly, perhaps to help keep Fredrick seated where he was.

We rode like that until the sun was directly overhead. I had never known horses could run like that, and suspected plain earth horses from my time did not. Kolbar slid from the back of his mount and stretched. Cappa mewed weakly. I dismounted and went to retrieve her. She was damp from Kolbar’s perspiration and very unhappy. She didn’t want to be held, but I was afraid to let her go because if she ran away I was uncertain whether or not my guard would let me look for her until I found her.

With Cappa in my arms and Ella and Enyo roaming about close to me, I slowly came to see we were in the beginnings of a deep wood. In the distance, behind us, smoke rose from Camelot I presumed. How had the battle gone? Was King Arthur still alive? Sadness slowly crept through me, because I had not gotten to look through Camelot or meet more knights and see the truth behind the legend. Cappa mewed again and I stroked her damp fur lightly.

“Good, you have come. Here, let me assist you.” I jumped at the sound of the strange feminine voice who was addressing me and looked up to see a beautiful elven female with long silver hair that reached her feet swaying slightly in the breeze. She was taller than me by several inches, and, in fact, everything about her seemed silver: her eyes were a dark silver and her skin was very pale and had a silver glint to it. The flowing gown she wore was of silver and her hands, the ones that reached out to take Cappa from me, were long fingered and elegant. She looked truly angelic. I turned to say something to Dremor but he, Fredrick and Kolbar were also talking to several other silver elves. They did not act out of sorts so I tried to relax and pretend it was as normal as anything to be in the company of an angelic elven female. Finally I just gave up and gawked, which made the female before me smile and laugh such a tinkling laugh it sounded much like glass chimes in a soft breeze.

“My name is Elira. I am the Lady of Silver Wood.” She bowed low in her introduction, and I returned it as best I could. “You are the Keeper. Dremor said you would come to aide us.” Elira stroked Cappa and her fur became dry and fluffy, truly clean and beautiful. Cappa settled and began purring. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for my dear kitty, but she had come and I needed to care for her.

“I don’t know what help I can give, but I will try,” I said. I could feel Elira’s silver eyes upon me but was suddenly very uncertain about meeting them.

“Our world is different from yours isn’t it.” I nodded. “Usually it is at peace. It is sad for you to witness it not at its best.” Sadness swam through Elira’s voice which made me look up at her. Her eyes were gazing past me to the smoke of Camelot. “The castle still stands. There has been much death on both sides I fear.”

“You can see it?”

Elira smiled down at me, “Yes, it isn’t out of our line of sight.” Elira, Cappa still in her arms, turned slightly and I found myself following. “We have prepared a meal for you. It is the least we can do upon your journey, Keeper.”

Yep, It's Tuesday

Fantasy Revealed will be up tomorrow. Got to writing on it and didn't get finished in the deadline I set for myself, so look for it tomorrow when this section will be finished and posted.

On Keeping With A Continuing Theme
Today is the first day I have felt any where close to "good" in the physical sense in, oh...what?...two weeks almost? Any way, I felt good and made one of those really conscious decisions that now was as good a time as any to put the "changing the internal codes" into action. So, even though I was pretty weak, I did my exercises for the day and began using the Breaking Through the Wall workout journal I got specifically for keeping track of my progress.

I am really such a dork that having something to "write down" my progress in just makes me want to keep it up for some reason. Yeah, I'm really weird like that.

Fish
We lost our largest fish sometime during the night. I called him Goldie because he was the most beautiful golden color you could ever imagine. He was a coi (sp?) and really my favorite. Since B has been home I have been holding a cooking pot with our remain live fish, a beautiful goldfish of grand orange color (Orangehead by name) and making sure he didn't jump out of the cooking pot. Of course I'm not doing it now because I am typing, but you get the meaning.

Plans
Tomorrow I am on clean-up duty and will be doing that for a good chunk of the day before turning to writing and getting everything organized that needs organizing before company arrives and we end up heading out to the Church festival. I need to bake two cakes for the bake sale and am really looking forward to it (now) for some reason. *insert sheepish smile here*

My Discovery of Bettie Page

Saturday B and I were out heading to a Pow Wow in neighboring Richmond, KY when I saw this car that had these bumper stickers. The bumper stickers weren't of sayings, but of an image of a raven-haired beauty. I asked B who that was and he said, "Why it's Bettie Page."

"Who is Bettie Page?" I asked.

"THE pin-up queen of the 1950's and beyond," he said. Then he proceeded to tell me she had just disappeared and how she had really been mistreated by the modeling business and also that she was one of the more famous early nude pin-up dolls of the era. "There are books on her at Barnes and Noble, and I'm pretty sure you can garner some decent information off of the Internet, once you get passed all of the nude photos of course."

So, since I was feeling better today, I did look up Bettie Page and discovered some of the most interesting pictures I have ever seen. When the biographers have said she could be charming and demure, the very "girl next door" and then turn into a dominatrix they weren't lying!



I think it is her eyes and her face.

She wasn't afraid to show what something could possibly be like, even if it was fear or sorrow or even desire and playfulness.



As I have researched and read, I have also discovered she is still alive and in her 80's and doesn't want any photographs of her current self shown. She says simply, "Remember me as I was...."



Wow.

Seeing her, seeing how she really has a body and isn't one of those pencil thin chicks we women are supposed to emulate really has given me hope. She is beautiful in these pictures and I admit I find myself wanting to look like her, except with blond hair of course (or maybe red).



So, now I wonder ... What about Ms. Julie Newmar? Remember Catwoman before Eartha Kit?

"A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval."



– Mark Twain

What Is Going On

Hello all - I am sitting up today. According to the doctors I have an infected bone behind my right ear somewhere. I don't know where, but I do know it hurts and makes me dizzy and feel all sick to the stomach and just not a happy person to be around. I have antibiotics and I am taking them. I think by Monday I will be feeling a lot more like myself.

Check this out! Vin Diesel wrote a book!

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0786934980/103-9483989-1166220?v=glance

Cheyenne Again

The Editor is still laid up – stupid monkey lord with his stupid wrench. I don’t have a estimated time of recovery for her at this point, but any well wishes, hopeful prayers, and good mojo that can be spared and directed her way would be appreciated. Depending on how long recovery takes, you’ll probably see a couple more posts from me over the next few days.

I can feel your excitement. Really I can. It’s most underwhelming.

Today I leave you with a bit of fortune cookie wisdom, which, upon reflection, seems oddly appropriate – “We will not know the worth of the water ‘till the well is dry.”

Announcement - Wherein Cheyenne Gets Silly

And lo, it did come to pass, that the Editor, full of words and characters and overflowing with enjoyment, did attract the attention of the lord of all monkeys, fearsome, mighty, smelly Ooo-Ooo-Rhaa, who came down from the high forests on the slopes of Mount Bonobobo, where the rare and wondrous red banana grow, and took up his great wrench and smashed his finger, all the better to chuck it at our well loved Editor and strike her upon the head, laying her low while curses in the ancient and terrible language of the monkeys issued forth from Ooo-Ooo-Rhaa’s simian lips – for I say unto you, if you don’t cuss, it don’t count.

Ok, so she had a really bad headache yesterday and is resting more today to make sure it’s gone. This sounds more fun.

Changing the Inner Code

Today was a day of opposite happenings and introspection.

B is sick, or not feeling very well at the very best, so we have not gone anywhere today even though there are two festivals we could have gone to. Usually I am the one feeling under the weather and not letting us go anywhere, with B the one who does not feel well I am afraid I have felt rather let down and annoyed. I fully expect him to understand and accept when I am under the weather it is not my fault. It has been most difficult a task to accomplish, which has caused me to look inside at how I truly am and see about changing what is wrong with me.

First, let us look at the physical. 1) I am over-weight; 2) I am physically not as strong as I could be, or even should be; 3) I always see the house cleaning as a task I can always do later; and 4) sometimes I just give up, quit and let depressive sleep take me over. These things are all something I need to change, physically.

Now, let us look elsewhere. 1) I talk a lot about writing, but there are times when I simply just stop even though there are many stories to tell; 2) I am not always as chipper as I probably should be; 3) for years I have told myself I am not worth the life I have been given; and 4) sometimes I question why I am happy, and not in a good way.

There is more wrong with me, of course, but if I list everything I thought of I am going to be majorly depressed and not going to change anything. Four things per each category right now is enough.

So, I have looked long and hard at myself today while B has been sleeping off and on and have decided it is time to change them. How often have I said that, written that, or just thought it? Each time I have said, "This time is IT. I am going to DO it!" I never do. I always let something in the second category get me down. Honestly, I cannot afford to stop this time, and not just because of my own health, but B's.

See, he depends on me. When that big strong man comes down with something he wants a woman who can take care of him and of herself for as long as he is down. I need to give that to him. What is more important, I need to give that to myself.

I am really worth looking after my body. I did not understand what I was reading in the new work out book I have, but it is true. I have to believe I am worth living, worth changing. My body is the body God gave me and he does not give us junk. The man who may or may not be my trainer, Avery, said "It is up to us to keep it in good shape." I need to really look at myself, not with that bad critical eye, but with the good one.

Usually when I look in the mirror I can spot all of my flaws immediately. I am too heavy. I have a double chin. I do not stand as straight as I should. I fail to see my eyes are bright blue. I do not see the beautiful blond hair. I fail to acknowledge there is a ready, very pretty smile there. I do not let myself see the body I have beneath the fat and even attempt to bring it out as a project.

We always look at projects with an optimistic eye. OK, so the main character did not accomplish this task, but there is still room to work with him and get him to be where he needs to be. This is merely a challenge. Why is it so difficult for me to have this where my body is concerned, where I am concerned? Faulty programming.

Being a little bit of a geek (ok, maybe a lot of a geek), I know The News is not going to look good if I do not put time and effort into it. The hit counter is not going to go up readily unless there is something here for people to read. I know I have all of these problems with my physical body. Why do I not put the time and effort into making it better as I do with The News or any of my major writing projects? There is a "code" somewhere in my head that is faulty. I need to find that "code" and change it, make it "read" properly.

I admit it, part of me is terrified of what all of the changes will mean. Will I be the same person I have always been on the inside, or will things change so drastically for me it will be impossible for me to even recognize who I am? At the same time there is an excitement - an excitement of being the person I should have always been but let depression and uncertainty bury her so deep I am going to have to go spelunking to find her again and restore her to her proper place inside myself.

This is all beginning on Monday. Who knows what is going to happen from there on out. I will try and keep a record of it to share, along with some thoughts and feelings along the way. What is any journey without having someone to tell about it? Don't we all just love a good traveling story every now and again?