Friday, November 18, 2005

Pre-Thanksgiving 2005 Thoughts

Thanksgiving 2005 is fast approaching. It is truly the beginning of the holiday season. The count down to Christmas begins. It is the magical time of family and when you actually bring to mind just how much you truly appreciate your friends.

Just as we look forward to the present approaching jubilation, our minds - at least mine - are also drawn to the past ones and our memories explode: Family gathered around a table over-flowing with food to the extent people had a hard time finding room for their plates. Voices tinkling and ringing with laughter and stories both true and added to for the purpose of telling. My stomach could never hold as much as I wanted, but that doesn't mean I didn't try.

Back then I took the gatherings for granted because I expected them to always continue. It was a staple of my life. I did not truly comprehend how many wonderful memories were then being created.

For a while recently, these memories made me hurt because two of the people who made this time truly special had gone on to where I could not yet follow. This time made me quite aware they were not here and life, my life, had changed so savagely and permanently. The happy memories of the past were like burning acid to my very Soul. It didn't feel as if anything could ever be good again.

I honestly expected this year to be the same, filled with the same pain, and I was preparing, subconsciously perhaps, for the pain to come, and the tears. But this year, so far, is proving different.

Yes, I miss my Mommy and Daddy still. There are days when the awareness they are no longer on this plane with me tears open my heart all over again. Their absence still affects me and I have not gotten used to it, as some may suspect. I am dealing with it better. Proof of this is that this coming holiday season is not causing me pain. I cannot say I am looking forward to everything, nor am I desperate to make the season enjoyable for everyone else. And all those memories of the past? I smile at them now and I am finding myself encouraged to make more happy memories.

No, I am not used to the past truly being the past, but now I can let new, happy memories be made, and my life to go on.

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