Monday, July 31, 2006

Decisive Day and Giving the Rest to God

I hate making decisions sometimes. When you are married, the decisions you ultimately make do not just involve yourself, but those of your spouse also. Today I made a decision about myself and my life in the future and my spouse took it quite well, in fact he seemed pleased. I wish he had been just a little more nervous to go along with how I am really feeling.

What did I decide?

I decided I wasn't giving up on my writing no matter what, and I also decided I was going to go back to school to get a criminal justice degree. By the time this degree is done I will be fifty years old. Fifty. Who will want to hire me then? Being in a wheelchair and physically disabled will not be as much of a problem as my age. So why did I do it? Because something needs to change in my life, and I need it to be a positive change, something ultimately filled with hope. So, I am trying for this, and, because I am trying for it, I am pretty sure I will succeed, because I dearly love to learn and this intrigues me.

I am scared, though. I am scared down to the very tips of my toes to the utmost tops of my hair. Hubby is pleased and happy, proud, but I am afraid really, and I am going to have to hide this fear. Why then am I writing it here? Because he doesn't read it. There is always an excuse why he can't read anything I write. So, I may as well be honest somewhere in my life, especially with my life: I am going back to school and I am afraid. I am going for a job and I am afraid. I am not giving up my writing and I am afraid.

Yeah, I guess you could say I am a little on the uncertain side of things. All I can do now is just give it 110% and give the rest to God.

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