Thursday, November 01, 2007

Remembering and Thanksgiving

Thirty-some-odd hours ago, I was wheel-less. My electric wheelchair decided didn't go on Tuesday evening. It powered up, came on, va. It just didn't go. So, off it went to the doctor yesterday, which meant I missed school and was on my feet quite a lot. Yes, there is a lot of soreness today, but yours truly is stronger than she used to be, just not as strong as she would like to be.

Not being able to move from one room to another without major pain and such slowness I envied the lovely turtle, it reminded me of just how much freedom I actually have now compared to what it used to be. It was a hard reminder, though good. Sadly, like many people, I had become so used to doing things I had forgotten what it was like not to be able to do the simplest thing without assistance. It was horrible! Tears came and went throughout the entire day, and there wasn't one single place in my house I could rest comfortably except the bed in the bedroom.

Tears fell on my friends, my dogs, my cat, and there was quite a bit of snuffling for Hubby. He said he was glad to see I could walk. I am glad he was glad, but there just wasn't any way I could explain how much pain there was. Walking is important, but, now, I am realizing freedom is more important. Being able to be a productive human being is marvelous. Yesterday I was not productive. I couldn't even knit, which again sent me into tears.

Today it is almost as if nothing changed. The hallways at school ring with laughter and people are greeting me calmly or joyously, or just ignoring me like they do most everyone else. Very few people here actually know my wheels weren't working and I had to miss school because I couldn't physically get around. Even the ones who do know don't really comprehend the tragedy that was yesterday.

Yes, I used the one word rarely spoken by me. Tragedy. Yesterday was a tragedy in the simple fact that life was not lived. Life was something that just happened. I breathed. I ate. I drank. I hurt. I didn't enjoy. No matter what I tried to do to make things better for myself, even if it was just to read a book, it all just fell through. It was as if I was trapped, imprisoned within myself. There was once a time when I used to feel like this all the time. Each day was something I dreaded. Each day I woke wondering what else I wasn't going to be able to do and tried very hard to force myself not to want to do anything. It was a sad way to be.

How long did I live this way? I don't know. I remember the pain and wondering if dying would really be such a bad thing. When did things change for the better? When it was firmly established I was going to live and there was a way to help for the pain to be manageable. It took a long time. Now I must admit that life is better. Actually, life is good and I am living it. How sad that previous time was for me and I am glad yesterday was only a short revisiting so that I could actually remember and be glad for how things are now. I am thankful things are not like that on a consistent basis any more.

Life is good. I am a happy individual with a real life. And I need my wheels. I am thankful for my wheels. I am thankful for everything currently around me and in me. So, yesterday wasn't a horror in the fact that it helped me remember; it was a blessing in that it helped me appreciate everything I have now; and it was a tragedy that it had to happen for me to realize just how much I am truly blessed with now.

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