Sunday, June 08, 2008

Brain Fluffing

The quarter is finally over.

Friday was the mock trial. The Defense Team, my team, won!

Despite the mock trial being fun and all, I was extremely nervous about it all. I was afraid when it came my time to question my witness I would freeze, or when it came time for me to be the witness I would likewise freeze, or lose my cool. Neither happened.

When hubby and I went through the double oak doors of Courtroom “A” everything inside me just settled. It was wonderful to be there. It felt right and a place I could get used to and work in. If it is possible to have signs or feel things to be in their proper place, then me being in a courtroom feels right and is what I should be doing, I believe, genuinely.

The Prosecution Team was very good, but they did get a little over-zealous, especially the leader, FM. He thought he had the case won and became arrogant and over-relaxed. He made faces that, in a real court setting, would probably have gotten him a contempt of court charge. The prosecution team became very angry when it was actually down to it and they knew they had probably lost the case. Even though we invited them all to come and have drinks with us, they refused. Hubby said they were probably at another bar having their own drinks and pouting. I couldn’t help but wonder if this is what actually happened after trials and court room encounters? Did the winners go one place to celebrate and the losers go somewhere else?

My husband is a wonderful man, but on the way to Cheapside, the bar we had chosen to have our drinks at, he enjoyed telling me of all of the mistakes we, the defense team, had made concerning the case. At first I found myself being very quiet and almost hurt. I thought, “Is he ever going to be happy and accepting of anything I do?” Then another thought came to me, “He didn’t know the plan the defense team had worked on so hard. He was blind to the time-line defense we had because I didn’t tell him anything about the case.” So, this means he was a clueless juror who didn’t understand, at the beginning of the trial, what the defense team had set up. It was remarkable, but this thought actually calmed me down and let me enjoy the drinks and the time we had at Cheapside.

About the only thing I can say was not absolutely perfect Friday night was the drinks we had at Cheapside Bar & Grill. I ordered a piῆa colada and it was so watered down there didn’t even seem to be a drop of alcohol there! Hubby then suggested I order a zombie and it had the slightest of liquor taste, but nothing major. No wonder people spend a fortune to get a celebratory buzz; after that we just left and did a hurried walk about downtown, Hubby wasn’t in the mood to be romantic or walk around that much, so we did the “quick” walk and headed home where we went straight to bed.

Luckily for me I had proclaimed earlier that this was my weekend and I wasn’t going to do anything I didn’t want to do, so no tai chi for me on Saturday and I didn’t make it to Church today. Even though I have proclaimed I was going to get my house in order during these two weeks (and I am going to do exactly that), I am not going to force myself to do it. It is going to be leisurely and I am going to read and write and knit and be at peace with myself and inside me without over-much stress – this is the plan at least.

Looking forward to the up-coming quarter – there is going to be a lot to do and it is really going to push me even harder than this last quarter; still, it is going to be a little easier because now I am mobile on my own and can arrange getting to school early enough to get needed homework done and I can work on the days I am off on the house and keeping everything in better order than it was this past quarter. It might not seem important, but in order to keep the house going as well as my grades, the house needs to be as organized as possible. An organized house just makes it easier for all of us here at the house and helps to keep me from going a little further insane.

Very few people in my inner circle truly understood just how stressful this quarter has been for me. Hubby knew a little more, but even he didn’t understand how close I was coming to just saying “I quit” and not doing anything else as far as school was concerned. One of the only things that kept me going was the thought of going on to law school and getting my law degree. Even last night when we met with some friends one of them was dissuading me from going on to get said law degree. “It is too expensive,” she said, “and you should really think about spending that much money. The expense is why I haven’t gone back to school.” Even though I love my friend dearly, I was surprised at her words, and kept wondering why she was using that excuse? If you want to do something special with your life you have to actually put the time and money into it in order to succeed. Is there nothing she wants to do to risk so much on to gain something even greater? I am thinking there probably isn’t, and this is sad. At the same time, she is happy with her life and herself, which she also told me last night, so maybe she doesn’t need to go on to school to add any new dimensions to her life. I don’t think I will ever be that satisfied with who I am and what I have accomplished. There are just some things I would like to accomplish before I die. I want my life to count for something, even if it is only to me.

This is one reason why I am seriously considering writing an autobiography, or an autobiographical type piece. It is time, I think, to try and share with the world my life story, in part at least. Maybe then others can look at my life and see they can go on, too, and, if I have learned anything in living this life of mine, I can also share that wisdom with others. Hopefully I am not being arrogant.

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