Friday, July 03, 2009

The Sky Outside My Window Is Blue And I Have A Day Off

Life is good today. Because Independence Day, here in the U.S. also known as The Fourth of July, fell on a Saturday this year, work was magnanimous enough to let us enjoy a three day weekend and give us Friday off. Today. This has led to staying up late last night, sleeping late today, and currently am roaming and writing on the Internet as well as downloading and installing World of Warcraft onto the PC and am hoping to actually get to play it some today.

Not only is there WoW possibility but there is an absence of any other human being in my house today. It is just me and the dogs (plus Jake, Cheyenne's canine) and the cat. Hubby has gone to visit his parents and our nephews and I am relaxing, genuinely, for the first time in months. It feels good. I have needed a quiet day off without stressors of any sort because I think I am having a bout of burn-out on the old job front.

Is six months too short a time to have burn-out on a job position? I am not sure. Still, I love my paycheck enough to keep working and doing the best job I can possibly do for said paycheck. Sometimes it would be nice to have a position where I could take a day off and not have to worry about being fired for it or anything so drastic.

Plus, there are other stressors involved in everything, which I am finally comfortable enough to share - actually, I believe I need to share in order to just keep going on with my . . . life - with everyone and face myself.

A couple of weeks back I went to see Hubby's chiropractor because said person, we'll call him Dr. Krackles, could help keep away the migraines. I am all up for that, so went. Hubby was prepared and took the MRI I had taken in 2003 with me, plus Dr. Krackles also did x-rays himself.

It turns out I have a broken neck and have had one since at least 2003! It is actually a life-threatening injury that if I turn my neck too quickly or am jarred too suddenly I could break my own neck and die instantly. Sobering news to say the least. I informed my GP and rheumatologist and they are discussing the next phase of what to do. I am only 47 so want to keep living, of course, but there are problems with the fusion operation that would need to be done: 1) I have pretty severe osteoporosis because of a lot of different factors and it might not be possible to have the operation done without hurting my neck further and/or killing me; 2) there might not be a facility close enough equipped with the items and surgeons necessary to work on me as I am a brittle arthritic (doctors' terms, not my own) and 3) no one is sure how long the recovery time for the operation would take. Since I am working there is a possibility of having to get off of disability only to go back onto it in order to get over the operation to save my life.

There are a lot of "ifs" floating about with all of this.

The sobering thing, for me at least, is that my neck has been in this condition since at least 2003, which is six years: Why didn't the doctor who was treating me for migraines care enough to tell me about my neck and the possibilities of death? Why does everyone just assume that because I have a disability I am OK with not knowing something or that I am not going to want to get an old injury taken care of? Do doctors only care so much about their paychecks that they really don't care about patients like me? Is it actually feasible and possible that doctors really only want to care for those people "who have their lives in front of them" and can "heal correctly" that they don't give a damn about people like me?

Yeah, there is some latent anger, too. I am working through that at least.

Two of my sisters are saying to quit my job and stay on disability and not worry about working until after the operation. This feels like a dagger in my heart. I am more than just a disability. I am more than someone who needs and should be protected. There are a lot of factors for me to consider here than just going blindly forward to have the operation done. It is a frightening thing to consider.

Hubby is encouraging me "to get my soul right with God" so that if something does happen he won't have to worry about my soul. I understand this concern and have been working on this for many years. I am not perfect and my spiritual journey is on-going and has its ups and downs, but I don't want to be a pretentious prick either trying to bribe God to let me live in at least the physical condition I am in. With everything that has happened in the past six years, I know God has been keeping me alive and taking care of me!

Despite having this knowledge (it is something I can't forget about) I have managed to be happy. I have begun working seriously again on the writing and telling my stories. I am making plans for the future and I am thankful for all of the dumb things I have survived and know I will never get to do like ride on a roller coaster.

In many ways this has been an eye-opener. I have always known I was going to die. I have always known each one of us who are currently alive are slowly aging and dying. Still, having it told to you that your death is imminent at any given moment or time makes you enjoy like and consider it just a little more as being precious.

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