Monday, September 05, 2005

Mommy's Birthday Celebration

September 25th is my Mommy's birthday. She would have been eighty-seven years old this year. The past few times her birthday has been close I have not done well emotionally. I have felt her absence more on her birthday anniversary than almost at any other time, except for perhaps at Christmas.

I have tried to fill these passed events with so much to do I did not have time to think about what the day truly was, but when I managed to succeed (if I managed at all) as I would lay down to rest the grief would be over-whelming and intense, fresh and new. If friends managed to come and try and keep me occupied by the time the day was over, or the events of an evening, I still had to lie down to try and rest, to sleep to prepare for the next day and the old problem would still be there: I would think of Mommy and miss her and grieve just as much as before.

Last year I did not run from the fact it was Mommy's birthday so much. It hurt and I accepted it. I mourned fresh and new just like the times before and for the following week I had to figure out how to breathe again, how to live and BE as she would have wanted me too. Now, a new year has arrived and her birthday is close, and I am tired of hurting so much so I am going to do something totally different and it is all B's suggestion: I am going to make her a cake and I am going to cook a wonderful meal, and I am going to remember my Mommy with love and joy.

Yes, it is going to hurt, but I believe it is going to hurt less merely because I am acknowledging her absence, but not her loss. I am going to celebrate her life, her birth and I am possibly going to invite some very dear, close friends to enjoy the food and cake with me and B. If my mind changes and it is just B and I, this will be enough, probably more than enough. (Cheyenne was going to try and come in when I mentioned it to him, but he can't.) The important thing is remembering and honoring the woman who gave me so much of her life in order that I might simply live.

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