Saturday, April 08, 2006


Kolbar and I did absolutely nothing today as far as going to the movies or going out. He went to service this morning and came back home where we ate and watched television and then napped some more. When we got up we discussed going out, but Kolbar didn't want to. At first I was quite upset by it all, but then we just kept watching TV and kept relaxing and it just seemed the right sort of thing to do. We were productive, however, in that I managed to get some more dishes clean while Kolbar worked on the back room. If we have just a little more time to work on the house between now and Pascha we will have a very favorable house for MaryG to be able to sleep and let the dogs out for us. (I hope she doesn't mind four legged bed fellows, because she will definately have them.)I am feeling better about the entire job thing, just not pleased. I am determined to get a job and I know I will find one, a good one. All of the crap happens. Kolbar said I was beginning to get a serious taste of what he goes through every time he applies for a job. It is sad that after all of these advances, there is still such prejudice against people who are different from the norm, whether that be by the color of one's skin, sexual orientation, or physical disability.

The old fire of fighting against the discrimination is not there in me now. In some ways I believe this is a good thing: I am a more settled, more adult person and don't have all of the rebellion in me. Instead, there is an intelligence and a willingness to work through it all and persevere until I reach my goal. Yes, there will be battles along the way and like a tired soldier I do not want to have to fight them, but there is no way of obtaining the objective except to battle and to win and move forward. Sometimes these sort of battles and soldiers are the deadliest kind to face - they have seen far too much for something to make them back down. They are seasoned and sick of fighting, but they will fight until the day they get to go home. At least, this is the way I feel. Perhaps I have the soldier wrong, but from day one I have been trained to be a solider and I have accepted I am going to die a soldier. It is just that my war never leaves me, and is never going to. It is always with me. It will forever be with me, and some how I am learning how to have a good life despite it.

I have also been doing some serious thinking and going through a flood of emails I received today from old readers. Those who have been there from the beginning. They want the old format back, the one from the very beginning. In all honesty - that was when I was happiest in blogging. So, the format is going to change, as well as the look. I think it is time for a different look for the new season.


We progress.

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