Monday, January 28, 2008

Upended-ness and Settle-ment

Have you ever had one of those instances of where something happened and it was so uncomfortable it threw you for that proverbial loop so broad and expansive you can't really wrap your brain around it? I have experienced similar things before, but nothing like what is currently happening. Sadly, it isn't happening directly to me at all, but to people who are friends of mine and that just really messes with my brain. I keep thinking, "How could this happen? How? They are no different from me." Then I think again about the entire situation and wonder just as quickly how all of this could happen and then I realize they aren't just like me or else what is going on wouldn't be going on. Yes, I know this is all cryptic and rambly, but there isn't anything I can do about that for the moment. As things progress and I understand more of the situation that is happening I will be able to explain more here, as well as to myself. I hope.

In a completely different vein, Hubby helped me realize something about myself yesterday: I am so used to worrying about making ends me and keeping us fed, I had actually convinced myself we didn't have any food in the house. I was so adamant about it I actually caused an argument because Hubby was telling me there was food in the house. Since I can only make the lists now and give them to him to do the actual shopping, he knows what he was been bringing into the kitchen for me. It was a real eye-opener to come into the house last night and have to apologize, not because I had lost an argument, but because I seriously did not think, believe we had any food in the house at all! It was actually frightening! When I opened the freezer to fix supper there were two frozen bags of chicken, an entire leg of lamb, some frozen fish, and the cupboard was full! All last week I was convinced we didn't have any food and I wasn't at all sure how I was going to feed us. When I opened the freezer I didn't see anything except the frozen fish!

While I was cooking last night I tried to figure out why I hadn't been able to see the food. Was I going crazy? Had I gone off the deep end? What else was I missing and convinced we didn't have? I thought long and hard about it and had to finally just sit back and pray and let myself relax before I could accept we are actually doing all right. We aren't doing perfectly, of course, it is still going to take a lot of hard work on both our parts for things to be perfect, but we are doing so much better and are at a place in our lives where we can buy food without over-much worry and we can meet our bills in peace. True, we have to be exceptionally careful about how the money is spent, but we are doing all right.

We have had to struggle for so long to make ends meet, to keep us clothes, fed, and housed that it is the first thing in my head. It is a habit, an expectation, not the reality of what is happening now and I am unsure how to get it out of my head!

Hubby is handling our prosperity much easier than I am.

Each day I wake up and I thank God for my family and our wonderful house, and I still let myself get concerned about what is or is not in the freezer on a very basic level. I am really going to have to give this to God more and let peace enter my Soul and mind more than what it currently seems to be. The thought of this doesn't sadden me any more like it would have otherwise done; this time it feels like a very right and true action to take. Could it be my faith has finally begun to grow as well? What's more, I am very thankful Hubby could point this out to me, in the middle of an argument I caused, and help me to come to grips with it! Sometimes he just makes my jaw drop open with how wonderful he is!

The Smile for Today

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